Lifestyle

Why is that that Parktown prawns (a misnomer I’ll come back to) elicit so intense a degree of revulsion? True, they are appalling ugly. In addition, their tendency to jump when startled — frequently straight at you — is, to say the least, disconcerting, and the smell of their excreta is indeed revolting. And when […]

Yes, I know. It’s anal. Even slightly creepy. But it makes sense. I freely admit that I am one of those people who hangs around in public toilets waiting for someone else to come in or go out so I don’t have to touch the door handle. Or performing acrobats so I can use my […]

The announcement by VW that they are going to discontinue the iconic Citi Golf range left me all warm and fuzzy inside and took me down memory lane. Getting my first car, which was a 1.6i indigo blue Citi Life with massive wheels, stunning rims and dropped suspension, was a bit like falling in love […]

By Michael Baillie Dolly was her name. Smallish frame, petite bust, and tiny blue eyes that really lit up if you did it just right. She usually did it on the floor, man-on-top, and, like I said, shed really light up if you just stuck by the book: keep you arms straight, 12 deep pushes […]

Yesterday morning we left Cambodia, after a month trying to unravel the perplexing knot of emotions we felt about the country. We found the natural beauty we’d been searching for, down south. Gorgeous, untouched beaches and islands near Sihanoukville (not in Sihanoukville, which was like a scene from a Spring Break movie, with cheap bars […]

Sarah Britten’s post about Afrikaans names reminded me of another bunch of people who are apt to give their offspring some pretty amusing, if not unfortunate names. Black people. I’m sure this has happened to you before: you walk into the Steers, place your order, wait for 5 minutes and then accept your greasy burger […]

The glorious art of the insult has been brought to a new level with Julius Malema around. I was sent an article about him recently (Feather in his cap as Malema agrees to shut up) in which he professed to stop making clownish statements and get more mature as he prepares for his rise to […]

The man fondles my butt. Okay, it is only two seconds of curiosity — I assume — but my left hand immediately turns into a fist and swings backwards at that vegetable seller in Jiaxing city before you could say “cheeky bugger”. I drop the fist, realising the assault could easily have the police around. […]

Once upon a time, Hestrie Cloete inspired me to write a piece for the Sunday Times Lifestyle supplement. She and her husband, Jurie Els, had invited Huisgenoot into their home to view their new progeny, a little girl. They had bestowed on the poor child the ghastly moniker of Chrizette. She would have to go […]

When I was but a child, our land faced the most terrible of plagues. A deadly disease of the soul. We were under siege from the forces of darkness. Yes, satanists! The footmen of hell. The third and final pillar of white fear. Oh, let us count them together. One. die swart gevaar! Two. die […]

In the olden days when men were still allowed to sport handlebar moustaches and the children of Inkosi uSenzangakhona reigned over the lands of their forefathers, life was so much simpler. Anyone who spoke your language was your friend, and everyone else was the enemy. If a chap walked up to you and said, “Molo, […]

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT I, the undersigned, Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma ID Number/Born: 12 April 1942 of (address withheld from you lot) hereby declare this to be my Will, hereby revoking all previous wills or testamentary writings made by me. I nominate Mo Shaik of unknown address to be the Executor (who must please look up […]