Love, loss and Atticus

“I hope to arrive at my death late, in love, and a little drunk.” Atticus. “I will arrive at my death late, and drunk with love.” Charlie Mathews. I never thought I’d fall in love. I am not talking about that delusion that’s a bit like a moulded jelly dessert – which, when left out…

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Geldof ends Ebola

LONDON, United Kingdom The world burst into spontaneous applause today after Bob Geldof announced that Band Aid’s song for Africa — Do They Know It’s Christmas — had cured the Ebola virus. Band Aid is the super-pop-cum-aid group that stopped famine in Ethiopia with song in the early eighties. Band Aid’s original, star-studded recording was…

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Gauteng education department ‘kacks bark’

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa Gauteng Education released an angry worded statement, lashing out at critics who pointed fingers at the provincial department for poor spelling in a “Mathematical Literacy P1 Memorandum”. This memorandum was an answer sheet handed out to teachers by the Ekurhuleni North District for a grade 11 standardised maths literacy exam, which contained…

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ANC ends period of parliamentary pleasantness

CAPE TOWN, South Africa The African National Congress (ANC) today announced that the ruling party had ended its period of congeniality in SA’s parliamentary caucus. “We rolled out the red carpet to welcome the EFF and their ugly onesies to Parliament, but after they made the parliamentary caucus raucous, there will be no more Mr…

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JSE launches petroleum jelly exchange

The Johannesburg Stock Exchange today announced it would launch an international petroleum jelly market in what is set to be the largest soft paraffin futures exchange in the world. This as growing volumes in the trade of multi-hydrocarbons followed in the wake of Jacob Zuma’s presidency in 2009. The market for petroleum jelly, the JSE…

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Steve Hofmeyr – SA’s first man without a brain

Neuroscientists at Groote Schuur, Cape Town’s premier academic hospital, today admitted that they were baffled about how alleged author, singer and self-styled Afrikaner saviour Steve Hofmeyr had existed for more than 50 years without a brain. Hofmeyr was airlifted to the pioneering medical centre – the scene of the world’s first heart transplant – after…

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I’ve got two words for ineffective government…

Zuma’s performance agreements with government ministers are a toothless tiger. What’s needed to drive performance and service delivery is bite. What’s needed to drive performance is variable pay.

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Patriot games

The World Cup dream has arrived, but don’t forget to return to the hard work of fighting corruption and nation building when the world packs up and goes home. While we watch and get lost in the beautiful game, let’s not completely take our eye off the ball.

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As fear and loathing play out in this country, the real question is what can be done to mend SA’s racial divide?

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Make the irresponsible accountable

South Africa is experiencing an epidemic of reckless behaviour where the thoughtless, careless and irresponsible are getting away with too much.

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