The election of Pope Francis by a conclave of cardinals in the Vatican, the African National Congress Youth League’s NEC being dissolved by the ANC and the Oscar Pistorius shooting incident have been dwarfed into insignificance again this week as “recordings” of “Steve” from beeb Bank to FNB customers are played and replayed on 94.7 FM, Radio Jacaranda and many other commercial radio stations.

This genius is the Mata Hari of the banking fraternity as he goes about selling out his own bank in favour of all the wonderful products on offer from FNB.

Dutch exotic dancer, executed for being a spy?

No Steve is more your hairy-palmed, near-sighted five knuckle shuffler best suited to being the first contestant to win Strictly Come Thorning.

Yes I know the calls aren’t real but the Imodium and Valoid I’m living on are and if the government (the wife) says she doesn’t recognise me with my wrists closed one more time … but I digress.

The point of all this is that while Steve might have been sent to try us he could yet turn out to be the answer to the ANCYL’s public-relations nightmare.

At present the youth league have been relatively quiet while awaiting their fate following former YL president Julius Malema’s membership being terminated. Fat lot of good that did them. The ANC simply marched in and flattened the yoof!

Under Malema’s guidance they wouldn’t have dared because he was a man of principal (sic) — so called because he spent his life explaining his woodwork marks to the headmaster.

Was it not Juju who told us of Helen’s concubines while attacking former president Mbeki and being ready to die for current president Jacob Zuma?

And didn’t he go to Zimbabwe to sup with Bob and return to preach revolution in Botswana?

Moreover was it not Juju who then, suicidally, turned on the man from N.K.*.N.D.L.A?

The man was a journalists dream.

Enter the new ANCYL NEC sponsored by Hush Puppy and selected by Gwede Mantashe’s ANC Staff Selection unit (ANC SS or just SS).

The SS will ensure that the entire NEC comprises those candidates who answered the simple question “How would you best die for Zuma” in the most appropriate way. Full frontal lobotomies, while welcome, are not compulsory for those wishing to sit the exam.

The ANCYL has lost its soul.

Gone are the days of radical thought, speaking a somewhat misguided truth to power and open belligerence; hello the Stepford Wives (not a porcupine among them — more like concubines who aren’t a thorn in the mother body’s side).

Now enter Steve the palm magician from Palmeston.

Instead of former youth league spokesman Floyd Shivambu, a gentle combination of youth, hostility and bigotry, meet Floyd on crack.

Where the entire NEC is made up of JZ rubber stampers to a man or woman, as ANCYL spokesman Steve will bring a combination of US black rappers, US black sitcoms (how else can he prepare for his part?) and a careful reading of all the notes left behind by Floyd and Juju on account of the new NEC not being allowed to make notes … or anything else for that matter.

Of course as a white kid he will also, unfortunately, have read most of the liberal press.

This would make the first meeting between ANC Secretary General Mantashe, members of the SS and ANCYL spokesman Steve a moment in our history to be cherished forever.


Steve : Wassup ma nigger?
Gwede :
Steve : Mbeki may not have your love but under his presidency the ANC achieved a two-thirds majority, are you feeling me?
Gwede :
Steve : The ANCYL is teaming up with a bank to offer iPhones and eBucks cheap so we can fund the arms-deal inquiry Holmes.
Gwede :
Steve : Madiba brought political freedom we are going to be bringing economic freedom starting with nationalising Nkandla, the land and the mines and giving it all to the poor.
Gwede :
Steve : We’re going to court to reinstate the Limpopo ANC hierarchy and meeting with Bob on Botswana this Thursday.
Gwede : Nathi, get hold of the police chief in Daveyton … tell him I’ll pick up the flack for this one … and that we’ve got a mlungu whose dying to be dragged behind one of their vehicles … if Phiyega starts bitching tell her to play her “I’m a woman card” if anyone gives her trouble.

A triumph for brutal bigotry over enthusiastic naiveté — come back Floyd Shivambu all is forgiven.

*Note to FNB — whoever dreamt up that campaign knows his/her stuff. Not only can’t I get it out of my head I’m even writing about it — kudos … I think.


Michael Trapido

Michael Trapido

Mike Trapido is a criminal attorney and publicist having also worked as an editor and journalist. He was born in Johannesburg and attended HA Jack and Highlands North High Schools. He married Robyn...

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