Zuma to transfer Lulu and Oscar to Manchester United

Every time an English Premier League prima donna gets left out of an important game or is criticised by his boss the media goes tilt trying to figure out when he will be sold, for how much and to whom. A good case in point being Wayne Rooney who was benched for the vital Champions League match against Real Madrid at Old Trafford last week.

According to newspaper reports Rooney is off to Bayern Munich or any number of other clubs if he isn’t staying put and signing a new contract — after missing one game.

This got me wondering what would happen if our president, Jacob Zuma, was in the happy position of being able to transfer some of our problem children to foreign clubs, preferably United itself.

For example if Oscar Pistorius could avoid standing trial if he was signed as a striker by Sir Alex Ferguson (also known to me as Sir Chewing Gum of Stopwatch and his band of merry ref crowders).

Commentary by Jon Champion :

“ … Rooney, finds Valencia out wide on the right … he cuts the ball back for Pistorius who shoots wildly … ”

What about Minister of Women, Children and People with Disabilities Lulu Xingwana?

Sky News report :

“Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson lashed out at new signing Lulu Xingwana earlier today. He said the player had flown in first class, was being put up at a five-star hotel but refused to report to training.”

Minister of Basic Education Angie Motshekga could become the first lady to rise to English Premier League (EPL) referee — only a lineswoman at present.

This report from the Sun newspaper :

“EPL referee Angie Motshekga is in hot water once again. The first Premiership female referee has become well-known for her eagerness to book players. Unfortunately when the Football Association called for a list of the players she had booked, Motshekga appeared to have misplaced the lists. Her spokesperson said ‘Angie has an unfortunate history when it comes to delivering the books’ “.

Head of the opposition, Helen Zille, would be a great transfer for Zuma.

Interview with Ian Dark after playing against Everton :

ID : Well-played Helen. I thought that pass you received from Sanjay Gupta (United’s new signing — made him up) made your goal …

HZ : I never received anything from Gupta …

ID : Helen look at the monitor … isn’t that you thanking Sanjay for the pass and for bringing you that delicious cake …

HZ : I don’t know which game you were watching but I categorically deny ever receiving anything from Gupta …

ID : Ms Zille why are you denying something that has been seen by millions?

HZ : I rang up Gupta after the game and he told me to leave his name out of the papers.

Can you imagine the benefits in being able to transfer all our naughty children to the red half of Manchester?

Next week : Julius Malema joins United on a free transfer.