Zuma tackles creationism

With the ANC set to rule until the second coming of Jesus, ANC president Jacob Zuma thought it might be appropriate to confirm his views to a gathering of religious leaders just outside Polokwane on Wednesday. This would seem to indicate that either the religious vote is believed to be vital to the party’s chances of reelection or that Msholozi is genuinely concerned about the possibility of an opposition government and decided that it might be best to prepare early for the coming of the Messiah around March next year.

Either way, whether it’s in anticipation of victory or to help him Cope, he advised that it is time for South Africans to learn a fear of God and where better to start the process than through prayers at our schools.

Of course those South Africans who are reading this will be slightly bemused on account of the fact that they know that this country is by far and away the most religious community you will find anywhere in the world ; even our atheists are deeply devout.

No?

When was the last time you joined a queue at Home Affairs or the Licensing Department?

As you get to the back of the line the first thing you notice is that there is wailing and much gnashing of teeth. Three hundred people in a single row trying to get to the one counter out of eight which is actually manned and that by a lady who is speaking on her cellphone! Then the comments :“The Lord alone knows where they found this genius but by the time I get my passport I’ll be dead” ; “God give me strength!” ; “That’s it! I’m going to live in a convent where I don’t have to have a book of life or a friggin passport”.

Huh?

What about the unanimous decision taken by the country as a whole, upon learning that Manto had been sacked as Minister of Health, that here is conclusive proof that there is a God?

What about major sporting events? Have you ever sat among a crowd of locals watching Bafana Bafana playing a competitive match? “Oh dear God please don’t let the television cameras catch me here because everyone will know I actually paid to watch this crap!” And that’s mild! How about those poor sods who followed the South African Olympic team to Beijing? While sporting giants like Anynamewithlotsoflettersistan brought in the odd gold or two our 4 678 546 strong team of wenners collectively managed a lone silver. It got so bad that our geniuses were trying to locate the burial place of Judas so they could dig up another 30 pieces before they came home. Regardless of how cynics may view this it still constituted a mass pilgrimage to the Holy Land.

Not to mention the fact that all South African spectators in Beijing started wearing hijaabs after the first week – even the men. “Hymie, I don’t believe it, when did you get here?”

“Is that you Abe? It’s hard to tell who’s who with these hijaabs.”

“Yes, do you like mine they’re very comfortable?”

And that’s nothing! How about the exorcisms that are being performed regularly by Springbok rugby fans? Led by the devout Luke Watson they somehow manage to vomit every time they see him. Truly a miracle, the man is a legend in his own mind.

Then of course we have the deeply religious experience of riding a minibus taxi. A 12- seater Toyota, carrying 85 passengers, sans brakes, Marie biscuits for tyres doing 120 km/h in the 60km/h zone going through “Death Bend” on the way from Yeoville to Orange Grove. “Dear mother of God … if you help me make it in one piece to Alexandra I will never, ever, ever, ever drink aga … wait! God, don’t worry about it, we’re here!”

Then there’s everyone’s personal favourite — load-shedding. Brought to you by the Right Reverend (Charlie?)Alec Erwin of the Church of the Seventh Day Adventists , so-called on account of the fact that at the time it was about once in every seven-or-so days before the power and the load-shedding schedule actually coincided. How often were you seated in front of your television set watching a programme that you had been waiting weeks for, safe in the knowledge that the schedule clearly indicated that it was Bedfordview’s turn to go down again (wasn’t it always?), when kabloom – total darkness?

“Oh God, NOOOOO!!”

Then you made your biggest mistake; you called City Power to find out what was going on.

“Hello City Power. I’m calling from Norwood. Can you tell me when the power will come back on?”

“Sir, I can’t say; our technicians are working on it”.

“Bullshit! It only went off three minutes ago. How would your technicians even know about it?!”

(Sound of City Power genius turning the page to find alternative excuses.)

“Sorry sir, it appears that a substation in Kenya blew up and that’s affecting your area.”

“That’s impossible, I looked up the number of substations on the continent and subtracted the number that City Power claims have blown up so far and, by my calculations, 11 more substations have blown up than the continent started out with. Stop lying to me – just tell me when the power is coming back on!”

“Ask me, I’m Moses.”

Bring on the Messiah. South Africa is ready, prayers in schools or not.