Zimbabwe: Mugabe earns Jarman for cholera

When an irate Iraqi TV journalist flung his shoes at US president George W Bush during a press conference it seemed to me that a new era in political awards had dawned. I mean what better way to “celebrate” political achievement, or lack thereof, than to present African “leaders” with an order of the boot: the Jarman.

With the Oscar nominations upon us I decided to combine the categories of the Academy Awards with the best performances of 2008 and award the winners with a Jarman. Accordingly the 2008 African Jarman’s go to:

Best actor: Robert Mugabe for his compelling performance in the comedy drama “Cholera crisis; what cholera crisis?” Judges felt that Bob’s use of sarcasm was unparalleled. During his acceptance speech Bob lambasted the foreign media for misquoting him in his latest picture “Zimbabwe is mined”.

Best supporting actor: Thabo Mbeki for his role in the hit musical “Me and you and a dog named Bob”. The show included the hit songs “Amazing Grace, Three coins half-inched from a fountain and No Water (in the) Loo (adapted from ABBA’s song of a similar name).

Best actress: Manto Tshabalala-Msimang for her hysterical — in every sense of the word — role as the Minister of Health of an African country. Unfortunately she could not be allowed to play in the sequal as the directors felt she may be shot on location. Asked about the “recipe” for her success she declined to comment.

Best supporting actress: Grace Mugabe for her moving performance (most Zimbabweans have moved to South Africa after seeing it) in Gone with the wind. The film apparently got its name after Grace ate too many curried eggs while on a shopping trip to Harrods.

Best sound mixing: Manto Tshabalala-Msimang for that Spritzer she mixed when she found the president’s cabinet.

Best visual effects: Alec Erwin in Hello darkness my old friend.

Best original score: me with that airline stewardess when she bought that old “Do you sleep on your stomach” routine.

Best animated feature: Allan Boesak who was highly animated when the ANC refused to meet his demands.

Best director: Jacob Zuma for his direction of Bloody Parrot (1981). It is the story of an African Grey whose owner takes it to a party against the wishes of the hosts. There it learns all sorts of terrible habits which it mimics much to the annoyance of the guests.

Best adapted screenplay: Cope for their half-inching of the bulk of the ANC’s policies.

Best art direction: Barry Hilton; nuff said.

Best original song: Herschel Gibbs Green green grass of home.

Best film: No country for old men (Zimbabwe) — based upon a national life expectancy of below 40 years of age, the film plots an attempt by President Mugabe to try and overtake the aggregate age of his population on his own.

Merry Christmas to all my readers.