With His Excellency, (no one finer at murdering his own people), president for life (or you lose yours), father (of what remains of) the nation, Bulawayo baker of the year and winner of the class spelling bee in 1934, Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe set to announce the result of the presidential election, I figured we would translate Zimbabwean election terminology for the benefit of overseas readers.
President: Robert Mugabe; these are interchangeable even if the presidency isn’t.
The African way: The explanation for butchery, neglect or any other act which is supposed to justify to the masses why they are starving or being murdered while the elite carry on in power regardless.
Stump: What will be left of your leg if you vote against his Excellency.
Exit polls: The number of people exiting Zimbabwe to … um … give his Excellency lebensraum.
Piece keeper: Not to be confused with peace keeper (applicable to other elections). This refers to the body parts retained by the election monitors if you mistakenly vote against Mugabe.
Electoral commission: The guy who drives to Mugabe’s house to fetch whatever result Mugabe has decided on for the election concerned.
Landslide: What the bulldozers create as they demolish the homes of those who voted against his Excellency.
Parliament: The collection of elite individuals who shall live past 37.
Electoral bullet: Same as a ballot but bullets will be distributed by the electoral machinery to opposition supporters.
Electoral machinery: Generally AK-47s or whatever other fully automatic rifles are available.
Absentee ballot: They missed you. Head straight for the fence and cross the border.
Ballot box: Box of cartridges.
Book of life: Indelibly inked finger (if you don’t have it you get booked for a plot).
Food: What voters are given just before elections. How do they survive? (See our guide on “Living in a neighbouring country”).
Counting of votes: See “Electoral Commission” and the manual available from the army entitled “Periods required to mobilise and slaughter misguided civilians”.
People of Zimbabwe: See our section on “South Africa” (more of them to be found there than in Zimbabwe)
God: Only party eligible to elect and remove a president.
Leader of the opposition: ?
Speaker: His Excellency and only his Excellency, unless you are spoken to.
Whip: Political education tool. Also the only instance in which the term liberal (as in application of) is allowed.
Three line whip: For the elite. No one else can afford the cost of snorting three lines before whipping the masses.
Policies: ?
Free and fair: Refers to the only blonde farmer’s wife who is not currently in jail.
Absentee voter: Kamikaze pilot (see “Book of life”)
Canvass: Make of body bags for absentee voters.
Central counting station: ?
Certified election results: Any genius who wants to announce a result other than that provided by his Excellency is automatically certified.
Constitution: See section on “Ablutions” paragraph 3.3, marked “Appropriate paper for use of”.
Election Campaign: See “Military Campaign”.
Fixed Resident: Deceased former opposition voter.
Holding an election: See “holding a hostage”.
Presidential run-off: Mass sprint to leave Zimbabwe during a presidential election.
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