Woody Allen is Thabo Mbeki

The Golden Globes rewarded Hollywood’s latest presidential offering John Adams (second president of the USA) with a couple of awards just as Will Smith, having completed his first really deep and serious role, was expressing a desire to play the part of Barack Obama. Indeed there seems to be a never-ending production line of these politically correct, moralistic and award-grabbing movies that the best stock tip your broker can give you right now is to buy Valoid.

Yet with all their innovative ideas and PC attempts to be inclusive of all minorities while excluding anything that may cause offence — all the while overlooking the things that make these presidents human – Hollywood has failed to transcend real boundaries and adventure into those areas that create the kind of art that achieves Turner Prizes. Where for example are their equivalents of Olifi’s balls of elephant dung, some doos switching the lights on and off incessantly or even two cheap plastic blow-up dolls with a dildo? Works so ridiculous that the critics wouldn’t dare to pan them in case they get asked to expand on what these pieces actually represent.

If Hollywood wants to continue to be seen as the cutting edge of the film industry then they are going to have to abandon their own stereotyping and set the outer limits so far into space that even they don’t know where they are nor why they’re there. A good start would be presidential movies along the following lines:

10p

Warner Brothers, in association with New Dreck Cinemas, are proud to present 10p — the taxing story of a British Prime Minister who knows no limits. Marilyn Manson plays Gordon Brown, the man at number 10 who finds himself in the midst of the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. Undeterred and assisted by his fearless Chancellor Alistair Darling, played by Whoopi Goldberg, they devise a cunning plan to borrow and spend like there’s no tomorrow. This is f’Keynesian said than done with opposition leader David Cameron (Eddie Murphy) constantly reminding the British public that it will take decades to pay this lot off. Unforgettable performances by Chuck Norris as Tony Blair and Eddie Murphy (in drag for this bit) as Cherie Blair.

Misunderestimated

From the guys who brought you World War I, World War II, Vietnam. Korea, a couple of Gulf Wars and Afghanistan comes a motion picture so moving (stand still and you’re toast) that audiences openly wept in movie theatres. US president George W Bush, played by Queen Latifah, is nearing the end of his second term and is unable to decide what direction his career should now take. Fortunately his vice-president Dick Cheyney (Bob Geldoff), who has guided much of Bush’s career, sees potential for a six-month tour of the Middle East as an after-dinner speaker. At the conclusion of the tour, Bush will return home and open a shoe shop in Texas. Brilliant performance by Cruffts winner “Fifi” – Poodles all classes 2006, champion hurdler 2007 and obedience 2008 – as Tony Blair.

Flashbacks from the Renaissance

Miramax in collaboration with Dreamworks and Arthur Murray studios brings you a Coen Brothers film Flashbacks from the Renaissance. This epic musical tells the compelling life story of former South African president Thabo Mbeki, played by Woody Allen, who was repeatedly shot on location. The central theme revolves around the thorny issues of the Ministry of Health, where Kallie Knoetze plays the part of Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, and Zimbabwe in which Roseanne Barr puts in a sterling performance as Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe. Others in the cast include Leon Schuster as Ivy Matsepe Cassaburri, Kobus Wiese as Nkosazana Dlamini Zuma and Shaleen Surtie-Richards as Marthinus van Schalkwyk. Don’t forget to buy the album based on the film including the hit single recorded in Harare Who half-inched the three coins from the fountain? sung by Charl Pouw.

When Hollywood is able to adapt to this brave new approach I will be able to sit through one of their movies about the life and times of some president or another.

Viva Woody Viva.