Woody Allen is Os du Randt

With Clint Eastwood about to make a movie about Madiba and Francois Pienaar, and knowing the American director’s zeal for researching everything and anything on the subject matter he is covering, I figured Os du Randt must be a shoe-in for the picture.

Of course, having selected Matt Damon to play aw Franshwa man, he will probably be sending out technical staff to have a closer look at the rest of the team before casting the actors to play them. This is where guys like SuperSport can be of invaluable assistance in lending the producers Tony Ndoro.

Tony, who is capable of keeping a deadpan face under pressure, could go to Jan Smuts, Johannesburg International, OR Tambo…that airport near Kempton Park…and collect the casting director as he comes off the plane. The deal is this: from the time Ndoro collects the guys, takes them to see Os and returns them to the airport he may not crack a smile, giggle or even cough. If he does he forfeits payment.

The trip will go something like this:

After greeting the Americans at the arrivals hall he will tell them to follow him to the tour bus. They will obviously tell him they want to collect their luggage to which he will shrug and confirm that the last passenger to see his luggage at this airport was Alan Hildebrand during 1996 and no-one’s heard from him since. In fact, to avoid tourists being murdered, the planes offload the luggage on a conveyor belt directly to the hijackers in the parking lot.

Moving along briskly, after making them sprint to the bus, Tony will keep the windows tightly shut and the air conditioner off. He will then drive them on a route with as many robots as he can find. If anyone approaches the vehicle he makes a dive for the floor of the car screaming : “Watch out for pool acid!!!”

The drive out to Bloemfontein will be just crammed full of highlights with Tony ensuring that our guests get a news bulletin every half hour. A couple of hours of South African news should be enough to soften them up for the meeting with Os. Of course, no matter how bad the news, is Tony must remark in passing how quiet the country is today.

We’ll teach them to cast a 5ft 7in actor as Franshwa!

When they arrive at the cattle farm near Bloemfontein, Tony must slow right down and pull out a pair of binoculars. When the film crew ask him why he’s stopping, Tony must confirm : “I’d hate to just drive in there and scare him. I remember what happened the last time we did that. My God!” And then no matter how many questions they ask about what happened last time he must just ignore them.

Pausing only to reach under the seat and retrieve a large brown paper parcel, Tony must drive up towards the farmhouse. All the way along the driveway, Tony must open the parcel and start pulling out chops and raw steaks and start flinging them out of the window.

Then Tony must crack and start screaming : “Where’s the handler?! They promised me a handler! You see a handler?! I don’t see no goddamn handler!”

They’ll love it – ‘specially the bit where Tony bursts into tears and they can ony make out a word here and there between sobs : “…….mass’cred….sweet mother of…….man-eating…..luxury panels..”.

Then on a signal, six of the biggest farmhands you ever did see, approach the bus and tell Tony they are there to escort the Americans to see um…”Os, who they’ve just finished feeding at the trough around the back”.

Tony must brighten visibly: “He’s just eaten?”

“Yeah, he’s around the back.”

Tony’s new found calm should reassure the touring party who, like any Americans on safari, will want to know if there are any wild animals out here.

The farmhands can then confirm that unfortunately there aren’t any on account of Os having eaten all of them. The day just improves at every turn.

The scene you now want to create is the same one that Gene Wilder does with Peter Boyle from the movie Young Frankenstein. Remember when they are on stage and the monster finishes dancing, Herr Doctor Frankenstein rewards him with a sugar-cube, like you do with a horse.

That farmhand has to sit next to Os and every time he’s behaving…..toss him…(don’t go near this) Those Americans will be sweating bullets.

Os in turn must be manners and class personified which will terrify them even more. Why all the safeguards if this is a man of such culture and bearing?

Until Os insists that his part in the movie be played by Woody Allen because: “Only through the comic genius that is Konigsberg (Allen) will he be able to transfer the neurosis that he felt during two World Cup Finals”.

And the more they insist that a 5ft nothing Jewish actor from the Bronx might not be ideal, the more insistent Os becomes that he is the only choice to play the Cheetah’s and Springbok prop. Indeed if Shadows and Fog, Allen’s tribute to German expressionism is not clear proof that he is the only one capable of playing the loosehead role, then no-one shall play it.

Are you going to argue with Os?

Of course Clint Eastwood, on hearing the great news and seeing pictures of Os du Randt, now to be played by Woody Allen, will only have this to say :

“Swell.”