Why I hate Kaizer Chiefs and Manchester United

There is nothing wishy-washy about my support for anything sporting. When I follow rugby, cricket or soccer I watch it on my own — I can’t stand the thought of having some doos, who thinks he’s a maven on sport, sprouting crap at me while I’m trying to concentrate. The fact that I swear like a dog when a decision or performance is not what it should be, might have put off a few potential “suitors” over the years, but that is neither here nor there.

In soccer, I’m a Derby County, Orlando Pirates and Bafana Bafana fanatic while in rugby it’s the Blue Bulls and the Springboks. In cricket, I’m a devout follower of the Titans, Derbyshire and the Proteas. Of course I do like other sports but not with the same passion — St Louis Rams (gridiron), Lewis Hamilton (Formula One) and any South African golfer or tennis player.

But when it comes to my pet hates, one team stands head and shoulders above the others — Manchester United. My loathing of Chiefs is still growing and while it does not yet have the same intensity, it won’t be long now.

Why? Because they are fair-weathered supporters whose desire can be measured in terms of their visibility when things go wrong. If they are top of the league or win a trophy you can’t shut them up. One or two bad results and you’re lucky if you can find one using a tracing agent!

Ask any Manure (Manchester United) fan after a run of two defeats what he thinks of his team’s performance and you get: “I never said I supported Manure, they’re my second team. I actually support Charlton”.

Let them win a game or go top and the same doos is on the phone waffling garbage at you.

When I’m down at court I’m always vloeking those Chiefs fans for the useless dogs they are. Mr Ndou, one of the senior prosecutors at Randburg and I are purists — we’re Buccaneers good times (seldom) and bad. That said, if I ever sat on the bench and had to hand down sentence to a Kaizer Chiefs fan it would go something like this: (Please note I would be letting the fraternity down if I did not do this in my best Afrikaans-English).

“Meneer, it are a travesty of justice that you are still loose in su-ciety because why, because why, you were treffeling at 61 keelometres per hower in a 60 zone clearly de-mark-hated by a 60 sign langsipad. Sir, it are a craaime which are preffalent and su-ciety can do wifout your soort!

I haf heard alla garbage spoken by the social werker enie parole board about it being your first uffence en die tipe strond but my very learned colleauge, Mr Ndou has pointed out that you are a Chief’s su-ppor’er. My magtig, seun su-ciety are well rid of you because why, because why you are a disgrace! Accorningly I sennence you to 12 years direct imprisonment wifout the option of a fine and be glad I are inna good mood!

Oh you frink it’s funny? Wait till you are wearing a orange pant wif a open-necked trousers inna prison yart.”

Of course, if that was a Manure supporter the death penalty would be handed down.

Doesn’t exist? It does if the court orderlies drug the dog and let him sleep it off behind my car and I accidentally reverse over the sod on my way home.

In England they’re thinking of introducing a law outlawing any player who hits the woodwork — every time someone hits the woodwork Manure supporters come crawling out of it.

It’s not that I’ve got anything against Chiefs and Manure supporters, I just don’t think I could eat a whole one.

The dogs.

Of course between Derby, Pirates and Bafana Bafana I only wear black suits because every result is like going to a funeral.

Last night’s drubbing by Tunisia means our African Cup of Nations may be runneth over by a truck as soon as the Senegal game.

Preparing for 2010?

Who says that load shedding is a bad thing?