Where's Shaik? - Thought Leader

If the British media catches any politician or celebrity taking the mickey out of them, then they derive great pleasure in reaching out, as one, and grabbing the genius concerned by the short and curlies. Not for them the stiff upper lip for which the Brits are so well-known, this is in-your-face — why did you nobble your parliamentary expenses slip — time.

However, where we in the South African media have it over them is in the wonderful responses that we are guaranteed to get from the various government departments whenever a tricky question is posed to them.

Look no further than the case of Schabir Shaik.

This week those geniuses from KwaZulu-Natal Department of Correctional Services gave us one of the all-time classic South African quotes. Department spokesperson Thami Zondi , on being told that a Democratic Alliance councillor alleges that he spotted the convicted fraudster cruising through the Musgrave area in his stylish black BMW 7-Series responded with:

“As a department, we cannot force one to die, if one does not break the parole conditions then there is nothing we can do.”

The fact that Shaik is out on a medical parole which HAS TO BE based upon doctors confirming that his terminal illness has reached its final stages and notwithstanding which he is purportedly driving his BMW around Durban seems to be totally lost on Uncle Thami.

No he and the department are more concerned about being shown a video of Shaik at the wheel of his car.

So too the fact that Shaik has been dining out regularly at a popular Durban restaurant which seems to indicate that his high blood pressure is not hampering his movement or his appetite, which I’m sure is good news for everyone.

How unfortunate for my clients when I was a practising criminal attorney that we were feeding the parole board some garbage about Aids or cancer when the magic ticket home was in fact high blood pressure.

In fact high blood pressure is so deadly that I suggest we test all our staff at Correctional Services and dismiss those who carry this fatal illness and replace them with those fine and fit people suffering merely cancer or Aids and who are apparently in no danger.

Anyhow if you enjoy reading about the escapades of Mr Shaik then you should not miss the offerings from Hayibo or Prof De Vos; both are classic.

Of course instead of driving ourselves nuts at the injustice of it all, wouldn’t our time be better spent running a competition in aid of charity. Something along the lines of a “where’s Shaik” (like Where’s Wally) or perhaps a collect-the-set album. Shell gives you the album in which there are places to stick in “Shaik driving”, “Shaik playing golf” and “Shaik dining out” photos. When you have the whole set and the video (did I mention that?) you win the right to pop down to Correctional Services and let Uncle Thami explain why they need a standard of proof to review this case which resembles nothing else in our law.

While you’re there don’t forget to ask if you can see the body bags from the genuinely terminally ill prisoners whose medical parole applications are dismissed out of hand.

Bet those Brits wish they had half of our material.

Cartoon: Schabir Shaik’s final hours