Understanding South African law via the NPA

With all the pro-and-anti NPA articles doing the rounds I thought it best to give you lot some understanding of how the law works in South Africa and what is considered so trivial that we need hardly bother following up on it. So gather round the heath (hearth? — that thing that blows smoke as long as you keep fuelling it) light up your favourite Colombian poison (if you can’t get any just get hold of the NPA or SAA, they know the top guys — the mules are the ones they arrest to bolster the stats so that they can pretend to be doing something — and always have tons lying around) and let’s try figure out what is or isn’t a crime.

Murder? — Well if you blow away say Kebble or anyone else that those in charge of “National Insecurity” don’t particularly fancy you’ll be given a Section 204 indemnity from prosecution. NB if you are some poor moron from a township or backstreets of a city then it’s a crime. So it’s a crime if you’re poor. Therefore before killing anyone check your bank balance.

Theft? — If a judge from the Eastern Cape says that members of local government and their family stole billions and nobody gives a flying toss what does that suggest to you? If billions disappear on arms deals, Oilgate, Travelgate, Zimbabwe and everything else and nobody even blinks what does that say to you? It says that if you are Dave working at Checkers and you steal a tin of pilchards to feed your family then YOU are a threat to National Security but if you steal this country blind then you are worth being carried aloft to prison, medical parole and anything you get charged with will be dropped. Like murder therefore theft is not a problem being poor is the real crime so don’t let our courageous NPA catch you without means. Do you think Hofmeyr’s got all day to waste on poor scum like you?

Corruption? — Ha ha ha ha ha … no but seriously folks.

Rape — Yes, but only if you can get the only people who actually deal with rapists effectively in South Africa. I know the taxi drivers hands are full right now but as soon as they are freed up feel free to approach them. The police? Ha ha ha ha … no but seriously folks.

Contempt of court? — Hlophe, Heath, Motata … let’s put it this way if you actually believe that South Africa has courts of law or equity then you have a complete defence. Just make sure that you are examined by 3 psychiatrists. Phone Schabir I’m sure those guys will say anything and become psychiatrists if you want them to but remember — poverty is a crime! Don’t come crying to me if you can’t pay for “top” advice.

Prostitution? — Well let’s see you screw an entire country and give the money to the pimps while the rest starve all the while being told how much these elitist fat slobs care about you then, nope, unless they change the law prostitution is not a crime.

Armed Robbery? — Impossible there isn’t anything left to steal. Do you have any money? No? Well there you go then you will do 15 years for Armed Poverty.

**If any of the NPA, judges or other pillars of our society want to write in and tell me I’m making light of crime then may I just point out that the joke that used to be our criminal justice system and judiciary can’t be trivialised. It’s just too pathetic to be considered of sufficient substance to be trivialised. Maybe if you use some of the wealth we used to have you can visit Somalia and Zimbabwe and learn how to upgrade our pathetic system. Right now the Taliban and their zero tolerance on crime is highly appealing to me. At least their Mullahs don’t get carried shoulder high to prison, made a national hero after conviction for corruption and get the brains (in whom we can never) trust to try and sell the garbage the people of this country are asked to buy.

**NB Evidence of a crime or basis for prosecuting crime — Huh?

**Transparency and disclosure — Huh?

NPA, Judiciary and Police force shall mean those instruments of government, ruling party or wealthy paid for by the moro … citizens and employed or utilised solely for the benefit of the government, ruling party or wealthy.

What about the taxpayers? — Huh?

Crime Statistics? — Huh?

Kidnapping? — Not yet, we have a commission in Somalia learning how to do this and piracy.

HOW DO WE SOLVE CRIME? — Same as always convene commissions who charge a fortune resolve nothing and get outraged if they are expected to actually do any work. Most importantly ignore their findings — if any — and do what suits the wealthy and political expedient.

Just to end with an apology — I really am sorry that we have the lamest most pathetic excuse for a criminal justice system on the planet right now.

See I can be so so so sorry … maybe I’m getting in touch with my feminine side … becoming an Mpshe.