Michael Trapido
Michael Trapido

Bar One man audits Nk*ndla, arrests Malema

As entertaining as the Bar One Man rescuing a keg of beer from a burning building may be, it suffers the same fate as anything produced by the WWE wrestling crowd, everyone knows it’s rigged. Now the brand is putting together a reality television show with “tough physical and mental challenges”.

Instead, and in order to bring about the excitement that the brand wants to generate in a Bar One Man, they need to go live and put their wenner in clear and present danger.

MEETING ZUMA AT NK*NDLA

Obviously the president will assume that this is some innocuous promotion from an apolitical brand.

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!

Background voice: “The Bar One Man can be seen approaching South African President Jacob Zuma and shaking hands (filmed from about 20 feet away). Now he pulls out our scroll and reads the president the carefully prepared question regarding the financing of a bond over Nk*ndla. The president (now seen to be highly animated, filmed from about 200 feet away) appears to be confusing the issue with trade unions. He is going on about vakbonde/f*ck bonds or something similar … ”

Fade to scene where Bar One Man is being towed behind a police vehicle to the gates …

BAR ONE 25-HOUR DAY

Producer’s note: The director was shot on location.

BREAKING NEWS OF THE PETROL PRICE INCREASE AND TOLLS TO MINIBUS TAXI OWNERS AT ORLANDO STADIUM

Background voice: “The Bar One Man can now be seen approaching a packed Orlando Stadium where the government has kindly given him the honour, each month (different Bar One Man sadly), of announcing the new e-tolls and petrol prices to a meeting of the South African Minibus Taxi and Aircraft Association. He climbs onto the podium and begins addressing the crowd and reassures them that the government has the situation under control.”

Fade to scene where Bar One Man is on the ground surrounded by ambulance men.

BAR ONE 25-HOUR DAY

STARTING THE MARGARET THATCHER APPRECIATION SOCIETY AT A COSATU ELECTIVE CONFERENCE

The former British prime minister is considered to be Satan by trade unionists.

Background voice: The Bar One Man welcomes the leadership and membership to this emotionally charged powder keg that is a Cosatu elective conference. Let’s listen in ” … and it was Maggie herself who broke the back of illegal strikes and smashed the will of the miners in those dark days known as the ‘winter of our discontent’ … so I’m sure that you will all join me … ”

Fade to scene where the Bar One Man has been attached to an electricity pylon outside the convention centre with an industrial-size staple gun.

BAR ONE 25-HOUR DAY

Now that is a Bar One Man who would have our respect and pull all the women regardless of how many astronauts you dig up.

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