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The government on make-up

Mrs Traps, “the government”, clearly missed her calling as a beautician. Every morning she hits the bathroom and begins a ritual that is a must for any wannabe kugel.

Having studied this for years I felt, seeing as I wasn’t doing anything right now, I’d share it with you.

THE GOVERNMENT ON MAKE-UP

1. Take out make-up bag marked “Painting by numbers”. Pencil in numbers and begin painting in the demarcated areas. Please note that those kugels who can’t afford a paint roller for the larger areas are advised to leave them blank.

I tried to see what she did with the blusher, but by the time the dust cloud settled she had already moved on to something else.

Between her cooking and the blusher we were the only household outside of America to receive emergency aid for Hurricane Katrina. Apparently the smoke and dust were picked up on their satellite feed … but I digress.

2. She then takes out her “Plascon on colour coding” and finds a lipstick to match the rest. She is particularly fond of their section on “colours for grouting”.

Today she has gone for Eskimo (?) green that matches the … er … lawn, I would imagine.

3. Checking to see if “her bum looks fat in this”, she then proceeds to apply the mascara. This apparently comes in three forms: liquid, cake or cream. It’s used to make the eyes look wider and brighter … and yet the kids and I can’t figure out when was the last time we saw a wide or bright panda.

Maybe it’s just us.

4. If she washes her hair she likes to go for Clairoll’s “Better Red than Dead” or their superb “Blue is You”. This accounts for the sudden increase in the sales of Led Zeppelin albums in every mall she visits. We get complaints from doctors treating over-40 hippies who believe they are having acid flashbacks every time she goes out for a drive.

5. Finally it’s a touch of perfume from Eve San La Wrong and it’s GO GO GO!

The government is on the prowl …