Time to join the 21st century, Juliarse

I’m sorry, but has everyone gone mad? Wherever I turn, it’s Joost. Joost and his wife (not to mention her equine flatulence), Joost and his apology, Joost and his book. Really? A book? Have we not all suffered enough? I tell you, I have had it up to here with Joost. And considering that Andre Agassi, a man who could at least hold his own in a press conference has also recently released a tell-all book, the Joost bedwelmend is particularly sickening.

Agassi revealed in his book that his famous, or should I say infamous, 90s mullet was in fact a hair piece. That is more disturbing than anything Joost could do. The idea of the Agassi sporting a fake mullet is unspeakably disheartening. I’m going to pick on someone else. Actually, that’s a misspeak. Juliarse Malema picked himself. He deserves to be heckled roundly for their latest verbal flatulences with regards to the mines. Earlier on, Juliarse called for the nationalisation of South Africa’s mines, claiming that this was a requirement of the Freedom Charter. Well, I went and read the Freedom Charter, and I’m not sure whether Juliarse and I are quoting from the same Freedom Charter. The one on the ANC website reads thus:

“National wealth of our country, the heritage of South Africans, shall be restored to the people; The mineral wealth beneath the soil, the Banks and monopoly industry shall be transferred to the ownership of the people as a whole.”

The Charter says the people ought to have the mines. Apparently, I just can’t wait to go to the Witwatersrand, find the nearest scuffed-kneed mine owner, toyi-toyi him to death so I can scrabble about a mud pit, looking for shiny bits of metal. And why — so Mrs Govender can have her teeth filled? The only thing that stands between you and the complete anarchy that would result from this action is the ANC, because even as we speak, the masses are clamouring at the gates, demanding to be let in so they might plunder the mines. Or so Juliarse would have us believe.

My father was in the mines over 20 years ago, and he assures me that it’s not as nice a place as the Freedom Charter says. He has an enormous scar on his shin to prove his point. I don’t want a mine, and I’d warrant “the people” don’t want mines either. And yet at every opportunity Juliarse assures us that we do in fact want mines, and that it’s only a matter of time before the ANC hands South Deep over to me. Oh, wait. I see my mistake. Where the Charter says “people”, Juliarse reads “the People”, as in the State. Juliarse you communist, you. Numsa, that delightful bunch of traditional-weapons enthusiasts, have joined the fray by demanding that the assets of Patrice Motsepe ought to be nationalised. You certainly can’t accuse them of doing things by half. I suppose it’s only a matter of time before they call for the mining pollution to be nationalised as well.

The thing is, Juliarse and his 19th century Numsa brethren are missing the point. The Freedom Charter was written at a point when the majority of South Africa could be accurately described as being oppressed masses. One reads the Charter’s naivete with amusement; fondness even. But things changed. The Berlin Wall came tumbling down. The old Soviets swapped their war tanks and red flags for luxury yachts and former fashion models. More importantly, Mbeki came to power and the black diamonds were let loose on South Africa’s shopping malls. Sorry to burst your silly little bubble Juliarse, but the black middle class has embraced capitalism. We don’t want the ANC to nationalise the mines. If that happened, investment would clog up the nationalised airports, trying to escape ANC communism. I don’t think I’m exaggerating if I say that the economy would effectively collapse. Then where would the black middle class get their Edgars Club cards from?

The sad thing, at least where that part of the ANC still stuck in yesteryear’s class struggle is concerned, is that as more and more black people get an education and a 21st century career, there will be less and less oppressed masses, Numsa union members and social grant seekers. Juliarse and his commie buddies will be the mouthpiece of an ever-shrinking part of the electorate. If they don’t realise this fact soon enough and act on it, we may live to see the day that the ANC and its left-wing partners get voted out of power. It’s time to admit that communism was a crushing failure, Juliarse. Be a sport and join the new millennium, dear chap.