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The Skunk Whisperer

When I first heard that there was a programme on Animal Planet called The Skunk Whisperer I, wrongly, assumed that this was a docudrama about the courtship between my bank manager and her husband.

You know the sort of thing … background music – Love is in the air – the happy threesome frolicking in the woods until the Labrador trips over his master’s long white cane causing him to shatter his dark glasses …

An honest mistake – could have happened to anyone.

Anyhow, the real Skunk Whisperer is a guy called Ned Bruha whom you call when wild-animals invade your home. The genius responding to frantic calls from frazzled homeowners by extracting furry intruders and creating defences against home-critters.

Mind you it takes a really sick kind of fuck to want to whisper sweet nothings into the ear of a skunk. Most people would prefer to communicate by satellite phone at least two states away from the one in which the skunk encounter had taken place and, even then, while dressed in one of those asbestos suits that the nuclear scientists wear.

Not genius.

The only protection he wears is a large hat to cover his lobotomy scar.

Watch this video of genius getting a skunk’s head out of a peanut butter jar.

When I first saw the clip, where the skunks head is still trapped in the jar, I thought that my initial take – about it being a show about my bank manager – was correct. Then genius manages to get the bottle off and I could see that the critter had darker hair on top and was missing the bangs and curls which give her do its shape.

An honest mistake – could have happened to anyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m one of the biggest animal lovers on the planet and I was thrilled to see genius remove the jar from the skunk’s head. It’s just that I am having difficulty understanding why the “experts” on Animal Planet and NatGeo believe it is necessary to play with venomous snakes, horrendous spiders and crocodiles who are dying to kill them.

Are we really that bloodthirsty that the possibility of these wenners (a moron on a quiz show is a “winner” on the Afrikaans version …) being seriously injured or, worse, draws us back to the TV every week?

What if the wenners just told us how dangerous their job is?

Probably not, we’ve all become adrenalin junkies.

Of course to get a real feel for the dangers to which these wenners are exposed you need to put yourself in harm’s way.

I would suggest the following:

Just before the programme starts, fill up your bath with warm water. Strip down to your Springbok rugby shorts and pop downstairs where, while your missus is finishing up whatever it is women do, you half-inch her cat – the one that’s been slashing your couch for eons.

Chances are that moggy hates you with all of its being but you need to be strong if you are going to experience the Ned Bruha effect.

Then sprint upstairs, and lock the bedroom doors and windows before flinging what should now be an insanely enraged animal into the bath.

By the time your missus hears your screams, races up the stairs, breaks down the bedroom door and rescues your torn and shredded body from the claws of that moggy you should be ready to watch The Skunk Whisperer with a whole new insight into the dangers involved in that programme or others like it.

Please don’t write in to thank me, it’s my pleasure.

If that isn’t dangerous enough for you, go for Rodeo Sex.

During sex with your wife scream out the name of her best friend or sister and try and hang on for as long as you can.

Nothing like watching these programmes in intensive care to enhance your appreciation of them.

Mind you, I should see you there straight after my bank manager reads this.

Author

  • Mike Trapido is a criminal attorney and publicist having also worked as an editor and journalist. He was born in Johannesburg and attended HA Jack and Highlands North High Schools. He married Robyn in 1984 (Mrs Traps, aka "the government") and has three sons (who all look suspiciously like her ex-boss). He was a counsellor on the JCCI for a year around 1992. His passions include Derby County, Blue Bulls, Orlando Pirates, Proteas and Springboks. He takes Valium in order to cope with Bafana Bafana's results. Practice Michael Trapido Attorney (civil and criminal) 011 022 7332 Facebook

13 Comments

  1. Tirelo Mabetoa Tirelo Mabetoa 13 March 2012

    Haha, Traps you made me spill my coffee dude, not cool.

    Thanks for the morning smile

  2. Jean Wright Jean Wright 13 March 2012

    Oh! very funny. Still got hiccups from laughing. Hope that not only the bank manager but ‘the management’ have a good sense of humour. Fortunately cats don’t read.

  3. Jonathan Groll Jonathan Groll 13 March 2012

    Spewed coffee when reading about the rodeo sex.

  4. Lauren Hamer Lauren Hamer 13 March 2012

    LOL! One in a million, Mike, one in a million.

  5. Charlotte Charlotte 13 March 2012

    The ‘f’-word which used only to be a verb, is now commonly used – and accepted – as an expletive (i.e. Oh, f—“) , or with ‘ing’ lopped on to it, as one of our most commonly used adjectives.
    But to use it – as you have done – as a noun, to describe another human being who simply wants to whisper in a skunk’s ear, is really carrying things a bit far.

  6. CD CD 14 March 2012

    Another wenner. Thanks, Mike, you’re on top for the laffs.

  7. Jenni Jenni 14 March 2012

    You are one sick man! hahahah

  8. peter peter 14 March 2012

    Do you like cats or would you seriously do that to her cat? Up to that suggestion the article was very humurous.

  9. Michael Trapido Michael Trapido Post author | 14 March 2012

    Relax Peter – I love all animals.

  10. Brenda Taylor Brenda Taylor 15 March 2012

    I could do with a giggle like this every morning, thankyou.

  11. MLH MLH 15 March 2012

    Agree with Brenda. How about some newspaper offering Mike a daily comedy column? He could make SA a cheerier place to live.

  12. Pat Pat 16 March 2012

    Huh… I assumed The Skunk Whisperer would be a docudrama about a lawyer …

  13. The type of behavior on “our” show is not reflective of our business models and our missions, and is simply not tolerated, yet we cannot control what is filmed, edited, and being shown on TV. I hope you look before throwing rocks in the future. You have no idea what we went through in order to only be turned into fools on TV.

    Please read these notes we made about some of the show. Check you facts before throwing rocks, jerk.

    https://www.facebook.com/theskunkwhisperer?sk=notes#!/note.php?note_id=10150613641019047

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