The men-women game

I used to think that those who claimed men and women were vastly different just weren’t trying hard enough to understand each other. “I’ve got three older brothers,” I used to boast. “How difficult can men be to understand?”

How wrong I was! How naive! How foolish!

Men are, truly, a different breed.

You want proof? Observe the humble SMS.

I was chatting to a single friend of mine the other day, who happens to be in the beginning stages of a new dalliance. Listening to her outline the man in question’s SMSs (time, day, length and symbols) and their subsequent meaning (as deciphered by a team of well-trained girlfriends) brought it all back in an uncomfortable rush.

Here, then, the difference between men and women:

Men

Send SMSs when they think of you.

Don’t analyse the content of these SMSs to any great extent, and merely write what they are thinking of at that moment.

Do not save your SMSs and reread them over and over again, trying to find some small iota of meaning missed on the first reading.

Do not discuss the meaning of said SMSs with their friends.

Do not agonise over how to end the SMS (Love/Chat soon/Bye!/XXX).

Women

Plot out carefully when is the best time to reply to or send an SMS (in order to appear casual, busy and yet still somewhat interested).

Rewrite said SMS at least five times, so that the content says just what it should, and no more (or less). The difference, for example, between “See you later!”, “See you later?” and “See you later …” is vast. Obviously.

Analyse each reply SMS with a gang of detective-like girlfriends, picking apart every word and comma, as well as the time the SMS was sent and how long or short it was — and then make cast-in-stone character judgements based on these findings.

Save SMSs for months, probably rereading them at night.

Worry about appearing too forward if they end an SMS with “XXX”.

Being a woman, as you can tell, is quite exhausting.

But also such fun! The excitement, the exhilaration, the game of it all.

And I suppose it’s just as well men and women are so vastly different, otherwise we’d all be making the same moves, and where’s the fun in that?

I would like to know, though (and I send out a call to men everywhere to be honest and tell me): Is there a little of the nervous obsessive in men in the beginning stages of a romance?

And if so, what exactly is it that you’re obsessing about?

You can tell me.

Think of it as contributing to the further understanding of men and women, the future happiness of our planet.