The Bobby bounce

Bob Mugabe had a farm, then anudder and anudder, his fleece was white as snow — then he didn’t have an agricultural sector.

So he called all his wise men together and requesteth (request — past tense, which is appropriate on account of Zimbabwe being very tense) how they could feed the population while keeping inflation down.

Then spaketh the Finance Minister (stand-in, whose portfolio is health) — “I know, why not freeze the prices, that’ll stoppeth inflation! I have recently read of a great economic policy being adopted in America called the Clearblue Easy Digital Test, which seems to be able to detect early signs of growth!”

Bobby beameth, as you do when one of your most trusted comes up with a brilliant scheme: “Freeze prices immediately and circulate copies of this test to all banks and economists right away!”

Unfortunately while prices froze, so did the desire of retailers to stock their shops. Economists were at pains to be diplomatic while pointing out to Bob that while the test did nothing for economic enhancement, it was proving very useful in detecting pregnancy among staff members.

“Shitteth!”

Undeterred Bob bounced back with his new monetary policy. International economists agree that it was new because up till then they had not been aware of Zimbabwe having a monetary policy … but I digress.

Operation Sunrise One was introduced and according to Gideon Gono, Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe Governor: “It is over a year since we launched Operation Sunrise One, which saw the slashing of three zeros” off the country’s currency.

The economy is still in tatters, but they’re saving ink hand over fist.

But, as you may have read in this al-Jazeera article (don’t be lazy), Bob is now following this up with Operation Sunrise Two (this time it’s personal). A brand-new currency coming to a branch near you.

While it won’t buy anything, it offers holders far prettier pictures and less zeros per truckload.

Our legal and financial consultant, Lorenzo Pavoncelli, a 23-hour-a-day wunderkind, was explaining to us how wealthy some Zimmies would be if the currency trend changed. The trend remains the same; unfortunately the currency changed.

Worse, now the poor downtrodden have to shlep tonnes of worthless paper in order to exchange it for tonnes of new worthless paper.

So far, Bob has trashed agriculture, frozen goods off the shelves and changed the paper — a psychologist’s dream.

He’s sort of like a Jewish stuntman:

Jackie Mason (the king) says that the difference between a Jewish and a non-Jewish stuntman is that a non-Jewish stuntman is the guy like Evil Knievil who jumps over 30 buses on his motorbike. A Jewish stuntman is the guy who takes in $2-billion dollars … and shows a loss.

Problem here is the whole of Zimbabwe is staggering under his loss.

My best part of the above article was: “Gideon Gono, Bank of Zimbabwe governor — He advised businesses and individuals to refrain from keeping large amounts of funds, or else risk losing their money due to the deposit limits imposed during the change.”

Where do Zimmies keep large (in value) amounts of funds? Do they own the building next door and fill it? What deposit limit can you set even with three fewer zeros?

Mind you, they should have lots more space what with foreign investors fleeing the new Bill that allows Zimbabweans a majority stake in foreign-owned firms.

Even the normally flexible (in respect of Africa) Chinese have confirmed that they would no longer support Zimbabwe.

But before I catch anyone sniggering, don’t forget that the Zim economy has broken world records. Inflation of 6 592% is not easy; you really have to go some way to achieve that.

Anyhow, before you get too depressed, let’s hear what the Zimbabwe electorate has to say … he is John Mbanda, 4 Chelsea Road, Harare — the only voter who fulfils all of Bob’s requirements.

He’ll be monitored by Bob and an international monitor (it’s a Sanyo normally used for cots so mom can sleep).

More dollars, anyone?