Tenderpreneur explained II

Due to what appears to be a desire to bridge (which in itself means never having to shake hands — English translation) the communications gap some of you have requested that further terms, phrases and personalities, unique to South Africa, be translated into language that everyone can understand.

Accordingly herewith :

PART II

Malema shall mean a dilemma that has gotten out of control hence if a lifestyle audit was a dilemma facing the ANCYL, the Zuma supporters plot and forgery allegations made it into a full-blown Malema.

Duarte shall mean an email that an incensed chief operations officer sent to the ANC secretary-general when she was antagonised by another member of the Presidency. Unfortunately it was leaked to the Sunday Times causing a right Malema I can tell you.

SABC shall mean So Another Bastard Croaks as the broadcaster announces that yet another three senior commercial staff members are to be suspended in the next two weeks, after the division’s head, Gab Mampone, was suspended last week. You’ve got to give the SABC credit — since DStv arrived and started making local soapies they have competed with a vengeance with hits like: Lost the compelling story of how the bloke who is supposed to pay creditors cannot be found, Prison Break the identities of former employees who have achieved this has been withheld upon request (begged is closer), Pays Anatomy the gripping reality show in which the public have to guess how much each member of the board that almost bankrupted the corporation was being paid to do so (answers to the nearest million were considered for prizes) and of course Weeds which was actually turned into a documentary when they couldn’t get a gardener to work for nothing.

Lynda Odendaal shall mean “opportunist’ and the words may be used interchangeably. This might be harsh because the ANC has brought her in to save on the cost of certain feeding schemes. Apparently whenever they have a soup kitchen and aren’t able to establish which side a helper has put anything on the bread (or at all) they call in Odendaal to see which side the bread is buttered. Who knows if she’s a success they might even send her off to star in Pays Anatomy at the SABC. And if she bombs? Dunno might prove to be a bit of a Malema.

Gilder shall mean a bird in a Gilderd cage/witness box. Former intelligence coordinator Barry Gilder took to the witness stand in the Jackie Selebi trial today. No he is not yet another Section 204 (immunity from prosecution) witness he’s a 204 000 attempts by Cwele to keep him from testifying, witness. Anyhow they’ve decided to hear his evidence in camera/see what pictures he took with a camera/discuss the footballing career of Titi Camara … something like that.

Lakela Kaunda shall mean, despite what you’re all thinking, a lake found 15km north of Lusaka. What has that got to do with South Africa? Wait! I’m coming to that bit! Apparently like the Vaal the lake is full of raw sewage which simply oozes out of it whenever it rains causing residents to flee south passed Zimbabwe — on account of it being Bob’s birthday and he shoots strangers — and into refugee camps in South Africa. Do not confuse this with the lovely lady who is currently in charge of running South Africa — good luck to her I say.