Stone Age miniskirts and Victorian fashion tips

As the leading exponent of open-necked trousers, my brief foray into women’s fashion will probably leave the editors gobsmacked. I can actually picture them sitting there, desperately trying to figure out whether this is some sort of revenge for their point-blank refusal to entertain an article on women and paralytic parking.

Riaan Wolmarans checking every second word, then every third word to see if it’s some sort of code for women’s inability to park a motor car. Matty Buckland going on at Vince Maher — “Don’t look at me buddy, you found him!”

But in actual fact it arose simply out of going through the Daily Mail (UK) and coming across two very interesting articles.

The first deals with the assertion by archaeologists that miniskirts have been with us since the dawn of time (Hence the term “crack of Dawn”, I would imagine).

The second deals with Victorian fashion tips from a magazine dated September 1863 (pictures included).

* Please be advised that those of you living in Delmas may confuse these with weekly fashion guides appearing in your bookstores now. The easy way to distinguish is that the models for the Stone Age miniskirts don’t have cellphones.

Just think about it — 7 500 years ago women were wearing miniskirts, short tops and bracelets; nogal in southern Siberia. This, archaeologists say, pushes fashion back to a time when our ancestors were first learning about farming. (This may be happening in Zimbabwe even now, where “war veterans” are also first learning about farming.)

This, of course, begs the question: If that’s how they dressed, is that where the term hoe (ho?) originated?

And if that be so and this unknown tribe lived near Plocnik (Serbia), how come with all this hoeing going on, the total population, nearly 6 000 years later, is only 182?

At the very least you’d have expected this lot to form an essential part of the world’s problem
with overpopulation.

The first article then waffles on about another group called the Vincas and the farmers who learned a sophisticated division between labour and organisation. Perhaps labourers of the time having seen a top miniskirt might have remarked: “Vavi vavi voom,” before shooting down to their local voting station for a potato and beetroot soup, prior to casting their ballot.

I must warn sensitive male readers that with all this smut regarding the Plocnics and the Vincas the Daily Mail still couldn’t come up with one decent snap. I mean, what is the point of reading articles about promiscuous Stone Age women if they don’t bother to include at least one gratuitous beaver shot? Who gives a toss whether these geniuses were hunting or gathering — where’s the bloody pictures?

Then the genius who wrote the article rambles on about the houses the Vincas lived in, beds they slept in and even the toys their kids played with. FFS, the article is headed “Stone Age miniskirts” … I mean, have the decency at least to have that photo of Britney climbing out of the car and insert a caption along the lines of “Would Stone Age man have been captivated by Stoned Ageing singers who don’t know whether they are between a rock and a hard place?”

Something!

The second article deals with a magazine that some auctioneer found in some wenner’s house-clearing sale.

Many women will find it fascinating; I know I did. The way Kate Moss identifies with Stone Age miniskirts (see picture), leaves me in no doubt that the writer, duly kakked out by his editor for boring mankind to death in the Stone Age article, has finally come to his senses. He uses Kate in shorts to lead into a reference to the first article.

Kate is a woman of striking beauty and the brain power to match (it’s definitely out on strike). Recently she not only failed to recognise David Cameron but thought that he was some sort of local plumber. While I’m sure the leader of the Tories would be happy to help her with her plumbing, it still leaves the question of whether Kate has ever read a newspaper.

I couldn’t make it out from the picture no matter how hard or how many times I studied it. I figured maybe I should try pictures of her in the nude. You never know, I mean, what are the chances? Problem is, when I typed in www.twat.com, they kept referring me to the official Manchester United site.

I’ll get me coat.