Royal blackmailed in gay sex video's name withheld -- well, sort of

If you want to guarantee the identity of a high-profile individual being revealed, then please ensure you take the following steps:

1. Obtain a gagging order in their country of origin.
2. Warn the media and the internet community of dire consequences if they infringe it.
3. Inundate the British media with tidbits concerning the scandal.

This would give you the following on Google, which has 41 900 results. Which leads us to the conclusion that the only one who gagged when he saw this was the royal who obtained the order.

Of course the rest of the planet was undaunted by the British gagging order, as can be seen by
the Australian newspaper the Age, which put the name on its front page. (Sensitive yentas who do not want to know the name, please refrain from clicking on the reference).

Don’t think unkindly of the paper concerned; it’s been released all over the planet in newspapers, on television and the internet.

Let’s face it, this one was too juicy to keep hidden. The forbidden fruit (no pun intended); the more we are told not to do something, the more compelling it becomes that we do it.

When the President, Thabo Mbeki, came into office he immediately set about implementing a set of security alerts to be used in times of war. As many of you aren’t aware of South Africa’s security alerts, they are as follows (each step increases the speed whereby citizens are warned):

Step 1: Potential danger — president sends circular to Cabinet.
Step 2: Increased risk — short article released in newspapers.
Step 3: High risk — radio alert added to newspapers.
Step 4: Attack looming — television, newspapers, radio and internet confirmation.
Step 5 Code Red — This is where the country is being advanced upon and there has to be immediate and effective communication to all citizens that their lives are in danger. The president reaches for his red phone with Mrs Traps’s cellphone number keyed in and tells her of the danger and implores: “FFS don’t tell anyone!”

Her record for informing the entire Western world is nine minutes, 14 seconds — although we did receive complaints from a yenta in Tallahassee who said she only heard it the following day at her hairdresser.

The Russians have been sounding her out, but I told them that unfortunately Russian gossip, as juicy as they may think it is, won’t find a home with Mrs Traps and the yentas. Go figure.

Let’s face it, in this information age, where all we need to do is punch in a few keywords and out pops the deepest, darkest secrets of the planet, a gagging order’s only use, is in printing it out, turning it over and using the blank paper to write out your shopping list.

Shame on us!