Robert Mugabe's Monopoly - Thought Leader

We all remember Bob’s version of Cluedo where you had to guess the victim an’ all — “The leader of the opposition, underneath the prison, with the lead piping.” Unfortunately it was banned after the archbishop of Bulawayo said nasty things about Uncle Bob and they couldn’t use the Reverend Green any more.

Having said that, the African leaders are no sooner back from thumbing their noses at their European counterparts and Bob’s your tyrant, he launches Bobby Mugabe’s Monopoly.

The game is the same as standard Monopoly, with a few subtle changes:

Instead of the usual counters such as the dog, the car and the shoe, Bob’s has extra lead piping, pangas and assorted weaponry.

In place of “Don’t pass GO, don’t collect $200,” the card now reads: “Don’t pass go, don’t collect Z$2 000 000 000 000 000 000.”

There is, however, a “Get out of Chikurubi alive” card.

In place of the old “income-tax square” there is a square called “expropriation”.

The most interesting part of the game is the way the properties are “[re]distributed” around the board.

The cheapest, which only require Z$1 000 000 000 in rent, are the brown squares. They are styled “White farmer early land snatch” and “White farmer later land snatch”.

The most expensive — the purple — are known as “Mugabe’s Way” and “Only Mugabe’s Way”. Payment here can only be made by means of blood diamonds, US dollars and foreign land under an assumed name.

Instead of stations, the four sides have the following squares: Dispossessed Farmers; Exiting Foreign Shareholders; Nationalized Mines; and Former Harare Homeowners Who Voted against the Liberator.

While Zimbabwean currency is suitable for paying rent on any property, it is considered inappropriate if you land on a purple square. That includes even the all-new “bearer cheques”.

As in Monopoly of old, there is still a set of “Chance” cards, but there is unfortunately no “Community Chest”. In its place there are pictures of banana plantations that serve as some sort of advertising for the republic.

The game is available from Amazon, but be warned that there is an additional $12 000 shipping charge — the realistic Zim currency occupies four extra ship containers.

NB: Amazon has received orders for six games already and is awaiting news of the next available space on an oil tanker travelling to the area.

NNB: The rules, as designed by His Excellency, Plenipotentate, Lifetime Ruler, President, Immaculate Conception and Cub Scout with Full Badges Robert Mugabe, may not be changed under any circumstances.

Coming soon: Snap (as Bobby takes your houses and cars), with the Afrikaans version (only available in South Africa) Ontsnap, as Zimmies take to the borders and find homes elsewhere.

The TV series Survivor Zimbabwe will be filmed on location in 2009. Producers confirm that they are just waiting for the total population to reach 16. They did, however, express the fear that Bob may well have most of the film crew shot on location.