Rigours of reconciliation: An inside job

I’m still relatively new to the blog scene. My first posting on ubuntu leadership had quite a number of spicy responses. I wasn’t sure what to do with them. I decided to let the comments be. Although I was itching to write back, I decided to stick to the fact that the purpose of the posting was to trigger debate and discussion, and see what people think, which did happen alright. Now I know that one must engage, respond and stay tuned in. Good.

This is about December 16. In South Africa, we know this date as Reconciliation Day; big date on my calendar, this. I like the spirit of sharing and reaching out that surrounds it. I don’t go to the stadium to listen to a sermon any more. I feel that the rallies do not reflect who we are collectively, especially on December 16. I have always wondered what this day means to some of us.

Some people believe that 16 is a number associated with growth, renewal, rebirth or speed and power. We have June 16, which sowed the seeds for political change in 1976. Then you have sweet 16 and 16-valve cars, and even Doctor Khumalo was nicknamed 16 Valve. Good number, this 16. December 16 is set aside to mark the importance of reconciliation. Difference and diversity are great assets that add richness to any nation state. We are not fighting any more. Or are we? So what’s the big deal with reconciliation?

Reconciliation? Yes, another braai day. How do you normally spend it? Don’t answer that. Most of us know that Reconciliation Day is not about shaking hands and hugging strangers from across the road, or from across the racial or cultural spectrum. I think that it should be more profound than the speeches and talk that accompany the day. It is a process, a profound one that starts deep inside the core of each one of us, in the core of our being, our humanity, in our humaneness, in our ubuntu-ness. I have no concrete data to back this up, but anecdotal evidence suggests that this is a place many of us do not know too well, and should try to visit more often. When I say I am human, what exactly do I mean? Is it the same thing when I say I am striving to be humane in how I deal with others? I think not. My humane-ness, my ubuntu-ness, is inherently bound up in everyone else’s.

Reconciliation? You see, when I fail to realise how connected I am to the next person, and when I do not understand the other well enough (or at all), the tendency is for me to reject them off-hand. The alternative reaction is to label them as this or other, and maybe go on to find all manner of excuse to stay clear of them. Why else do you think that national days and other commemorative events assume a distinctly one-sided slant in participation? OK, I certainly do not have the answer to this. I can only speculate, and that is not very helpful now, is it?

But seriously, reconciliation is really about recognising a part of ourselves in the other. It is the acknowledgement of a part of who we are as existing in the other. We reconcile when we are able to love a part of who we are that we do not like. It happens when we embrace that part that we would prefer to rather reject as backward, ugly, darker or lighter-skinned than us, less educated, stinking rich and/or stinking poor.

I start the reconciliation process within me when am able to live or make peace with the darker side of my past, when I can accept and live with the lingering guilt of affluence, and when I do not choose to hijack anyone, or rape and murder for material possessions of others. I reconcile with the other when I find inner peace and self-acceptance. I help others reconcile with themselves or with others. I believe that if I can see myself in the mirror that is a stranger’s eyes, then I am becoming conscious again. I am able to reconcile with another when I can acknowledge that we are in this journey together … that I am not, and never have been, alone … rich or poor.

I’m learning, and believe that the day I will understand the intricacies and beauty of this great web of human connectedness is the day I will really be free — and free to reconcile with myself and the beauty of humanity in full. Free to find the peace that is already inside of me, that is inherent in you and me. Free to grasp the vastness of the internal peace, reconciliation and forgiveness that people like Tata Mandela exude and live by. Yes, reconciliation is a higher value than I previously made it out to be. It is a bigger kind of love than smiling at strangers.

I am beginning to believe that reconciliation is a deeper knowing that transcends the judgements that I choose to ascribe to and base on what colour (wrapping) others come in. So, reconciliation is essentially an inside job. I have to reconcile with myself first before I can reconcile with another. The true essence of humanity is fully reconciled with the self and with all others with no exceptions.

Reconciliation from deep inside my humane-ness? The ordinary mortal like me struggles with that higher value, and is often happy to cast aspersions at others. Yes, now and a long then, I come across people who tend to lapse deep into labelling and name-calling all that is either different or not well-understood.

The mirror that I need to check out is the eyes of that stranger with whom I avoid making a connection. Reconciliation? Long road ahead, but do-able …