President Mbeki and the hornets' nest

Once upon a time in a land far, far away there lived a president who was much loved and yet much maligned by his flock. While some considered him very, very good, others thought he was very, very bad and suggested that he take leave of them and flock off. This was very confusing to some who had seen a former minister Vlok off and wondered whether this wasn’t in fact the very same thing. “Nay” cried the wise men, “flock off means take thee into the wilderness while Vlok off is concerned with washing other people’s feet”.

No mean feat if you still land up being charged but I digress …

“But what had brought all of this about?” I hear you cry. Was the president very wicked or were there just baddies who wanted this land far, far away for themselves?

Lets start at the beginning:

“In the beginning there was the Heavens and the Earth” … wait! I’ll skip this bit and move forward to …”… and ordered some Frigates, a few aeroplanes and three submarines, which pissed the flock off no end. Enormous wads of cash being spenteth on weapons when the masses, hereinafter termed the flock, had far, far better uses for the wads concerned.”

After a few years had passed there cameth a court case, which was headed by a land owner known as Squire who was so ferocious that the sacrificial lamb sent forth to face the wrath of the flock did Shaikith in his boots. The Squire in his judgement boometh: “This is bloody well not on and that goes for a certain member who is not president but uses that word as part of his title”.

Lo and his cousin Behold, the one with the word “president” as part of his title was booted into touch, expected never to return. I mean what is the point of firing your deputy in disgrace and banishing him into the wilderness if the bloody lefties and youth are only going to keep bringing him back?! I mean what were the chances of anyone wanting to bring him back anyway, when the flock are only going to keep asking unnecessary questions about those flipping submarines? Best leave him in the wilderness and keep him as far away from other land owners like Squire.

Really!!

There then passed a short period of tranquillity before rulers of the flock did congregate at their conference to select new leaders. Shit in your hat and punch it if they only didn’t go and pick the genius who had been banished as their bloody leader.

Shitteth!

Soretooth (something like that), the chief lawman, did ride into town and serveth papers on this genius who would usurpeth the throne. Take that and tax and everything and begone jabberwocky … Jacob … whatsisname, for ye shall never rule. Justice at its finest or was it just a cause Selebi? Wait! He’s the other one. Nobody could ever tell because the Justice Minister Mabungler never got back to anyone.

Twas time for whatsisname to appear before a land owner, this time called Nicholson. And the land owner spake and confirmed that those who would persecute whatsisname should “get thyselves to a taxidermist”. Of course he also pointed out that whatsisname had said that if he was going to fryeth then leading members of the flock would be part of a great big fry up. And Nicholson did wail and gnash as he did point out that the leaders of the flock hath been stabbing each other in the back and involving themselves with the lawmen”.

The collective leaders of the flock did haveth an apoplexy and sayeth that this cannot go on.

But a few days passeth and the lawmen duly chastised by the land owner decided they best appeal and take whatsisname on again. But worse, the president, despite being told to flock off, doth advise that he will challenge whatsisname to a duel and enter the fray regarding all this backstabbing. Explain why the previous land owner Squire’s decision, the one dealing with frigates and submarines and lots of stuff compelled him to acteth. Whatsisname then being required to answer that and so on and so forth.

In legalise it’s called the “Coat your privates in honey then beat a hornets’ nest with a stick while in your underpants” manoeuvre.

It’s swell.

The flock leaders did hastily gather and ask themselves: “What part of ‘busy yourself about Zimbabwe and Sudan’ didn’t he understand”

The End

Next week: see Kgalema and die!