Pregnant man turn your stomach? Have a peep at Thomas

Hawaiian native Thomas Beatie, formerly a woman who underwent gender reassignment surgery but retained his reproductive organs, is now expecting a child. Mazeltov! May you only know simchas.

I can only imagine the nachos of raising a daughter, marrying her off to this genius and then finding this story breaking out across the globe. (The Australian Herald Sun has pictures of Thomas posing for a gay magazine during the process.)

I’d have my daughter around to the vet and spayed about 10 minutes after hearing the “wonderful news”. Let her husband have the children; she has more important things to do — like converting to Islam so that she can wear that outfit that covers her from head to toe and includes sunglasses!

Can you imagine those yentas at bar mitzvahs and weddings? “Mike! Robyn! I didn’t know your daughter was Muslim, how wonderful! Where’s her husband?”

“He’s out there somewhere finding himself — preferably before I do!”

Joking aside, products of the advances in science and medicine are going to make this type of event far more frequent in the months and years ahead. Whether you are prepared to accept it or not, it will become a reality. Five years from now, male pregnancy might even be considered tame.

A few days ago we looked at the British Parliament introducing the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill.

This is being proposed in order to catch up with the existing research as well as facilitating future studies. In essence, HG Wells’s man-beast may not be as far away as we would like to think: sitting up on Saturday nights praying that your daughter is out with a human — or am I becoming speciesist?

Again I would like to ignore the religious, moral, ethical and assorted other mumbo-jumbo and hear what you lot think about the dawning of this new age and how we are all going to feel when Brunhilda the half-human half-dog, a native of Cleveland — previously a woman, now a male bull mastiff with her reproductive organs intact — becomes pregnant. Do we celebrate, have her spayed or simply have him/her/it put down?

When we say that he/it is expecting a child, does that mean expecting to give birth, expecting a human or simply expecting … something? Would people be outraged at the insensitivity of saying “expecting a child” and consider it an affront to the bull- mastiff community, which was hoping for a puppy?

Would a Jewish male, half cocker-spaniel, have a bar mitzvah? If so, when? Counted in dog or human years? If it’s dog years, you’ll battle because he’ll be 14 after two years, so you might miss it. If it’s human years and he ages like a dog, he’ll look like a 91-year-old while saying his portion!

Hang on to your broeks; this could get ugly.