Political terms made easy in the new SA

Mo Shaik : shall mean the manifestation of fever symptoms every time you hear that the Spy Boss is on your trail eg “I’m being investigated that’s why I have Mo’ Shaiks” NB You don’t get Mo’ Shaiks from high blood pressure, that’s a misconception. Your appearance might become dirtier hence they speak of Shabbier Shaiks. Don’t be alarmed because Shabbier Shaiks is not terminal.

Selebi : shall mean the act of bringing tissues to a trial.

Agliotti : shall mean the act of bringing a tissue of lies to a trial.

Terre’Blanche : shall mean the act of constantly making a comeback. Like falling off your horse you have to keep getting back on. Apparently he has Mo’ Shaiks but that could be from falling off his horse. First names “Eugène Ney” (I shit you not) which could be equestrian related but nobodies had the courage to ask him. Did I mention that he fell off his horse?

Nutty Mthethwa : shall mean the act of staying at five-star hotels without knowing how much they cost. It’s almost like bilking because you don’t pay after your stay but differs because we land up paying for your stay. Mind you it’s very difficult to avoid — one method suggested by scientists at MIT was to pick up the phone in your room and ask … but that’s incredibly complicated if you aren’t sure how to use the phone. Best stick to the mini bar, far safer.

Nzimande : The act of preaching communism while exhibiting capitalism in your lifestyle such as driving a top-of-the-range BMW. No Skoda for you then. Example : I went to gamble at Montecasino but afterwards I was nearly arrested for Mthethwaing the bill. Good thing I had my Nzimande parked around the corner. The cops chased me half way home. I had Mo’ Shaiks than I care to remember. Thought I’d land up doing a Selebi and then an Agliotti.

Malema : shall mean dilemma but used in a political context. You could say that Nedbank have a huge fucking Malema about now. Do they wait for the mines to be nationalised, the bank to be overrun or after they have transferred their skills before pouring out of the country headed for Perth? They suggested a solution to their Malema but I couldn’t find it in an English dictionary.

Vavi : The act of inverting the meaning of your speech. Example — “Die for Zuma” turns out to be dying to swamp the president with horrendous strikes, side swipes at elected ministers and generally making the life of the government intolerable.

Zille : shall mean the act of becoming the Botox of everyone’s jokes while trying to win the 94.7 poker face competition. Example : I tried to smile but there wasn’t a muscle in my face that was working.

Mugabe : shall mean political Alzheimer’s. An excerpt from his speeches over the last couple of weeks demonstrates it in action. “Those Western mothers are responsible for the terrible damage to the Zimbabwean economy … I need Gono further … where was I? Oh yes and Zimbabwe is ready to restart its relations with the Western powers … it’s Wednesday … ” This has left Tsvangirai with a right Malema I can tell you. He wants to laugh every time the old man speaks but battles to keep a straight face. We have suggested a full facial Zille but for some reason he got the needle.