Lufthansa planes that give you wind

Every time someone tells me that flying is safer than driving, I tell them my cousin was killed in a car crash — a plane fell on him. I mean, FFS, does anyone really enjoy flying? If they do, then maybe they can explain why they look so relieved when we land.

I hate it with a passion! I can’t stand take-off, that awful bit in the air is terrifying and landing is horrendous. (There, I’ve analysed my fear.)

So the sight of that Luftwaffe (sic) Fokker dit vir ‘n grap (Airbus 320, actually) being blown around the runway of Hamburg airport while it was trying to land, and then having to take off again after a wing had scraped the ground, had me green around the gills. If I were on that plane, the pilot would have had to abandon his radio because I would have been shrieking the place down.

Have a look at this landing and then try to tell me about the joys of flying.

I love the bit about the standard procedure they adopt when landing in a crosswind. Boet, if I was on that plane, the crosswinds inside the plane would far outweigh anything on the outside. The only good thing is that you wouldn’t hear them above my screams.

I can just imagine it:

“Ladiez und gennlemen, zis is your captain zpeaking — it appearz az if ve haf hit a bit uf turbulence und muzt azk zat you buckle up.”

“Say what?!” (The part of the terrified passenger is now being played by a bald — I will be — Blue Bulls fanatic.)

“Pleaze keep ze zeat in ze upright pusition und lizzen out vor any emerchency inztructions …”

“Oh dear mother of all things holy NOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Zere vil be a ferry heafy crossvind on approach to Hamburg Airport.”

Which will start a ferry heafy crossvind in the cabin an’ all (anal?).

And, of course, the guys on the ground will be talking the pilot through it:

“Lufthansa 546, zis is Hamburg control tower. Could you advise us uf ze terrible noize coming from ze plane?”

“Control, zis is 546, I can hardly hear you above ze screaming in ze cabin — und it appearz az if zome poison gases are ezcaping into ze plane.”

“Can you ztop it?”

“Only if I toss him out of ze plane.”

Bastards!

Of course the worst part will be coming off that plane. They’ll be able to trace a brown path from my seat to the psychological adviser, on to collecting the luggage and out the door.

I’ll be King Michael III (de Turd).

Spare me and keep your overseas trips where the sun doesn’t shine.