I’m not a hater of people who enjoy their hanky-panky. But please keep the loud sound effects contained to the privacy of your bedroom, lounge, kitchen, bathroom or the top of your fridge, wherever the hell you like to have it. I suspect someone’s saying to themselves right now “much anger in you I sense Khaya”. No Master Yoda, I am not angry, it’s just that the force is not very strong with me.

About two months ago a couple lived in a unit above mine. Every now and then I would have the displeasure of hearing their furniture enduring vigorous activity. I would be wrong if I were to find fault with them, it was their furniture, they should have had more durable furniture though. That way the neighbours wouldn’t have to share in their extra-mural activities. Lucky for me, they stayed for a month and moved on. Funny thing is I never got to see what they looked like. A good thing I guess, the last thing I wanted was to imagine what they do in their apartment every time I saw them.

Not too many months ago while I slept in my bed with me, myself and I, I woke up not just to mere moans, but to screams and loud groans of what I assumed was uncontrollable pleasure. These sounds were being made by a lady who lived in a unit that was in a separate block from mine. This means she must have been at least 60 metres away from my apartment. Her screams pierced through my walls and woke me from my beautiful slumber. At 4.30am ladies and gentlemen, 4.30. If that is not inconsiderate I don’t know what is. Now I’m not saying they shouldn’t have been having hanky-panky at that time, I’m all for them having it, just don’t wake me and the entire complex in the process.

I got the distinct impression that she was making the sounds to let the entire complex know that she was getting some and the rest of us weren’t. It was exhibitionism at it’s loudest.

I must admit despite my initial irritation I found the entire incident rather amusing. The more she screamed the more I laughed to myself. Eventually I peered out my window to see if there was a light that would give away the offending vocal cords. Alas, it was black outside. I went back to my bed laughing.

Out of nowhere, I heard someone shout even louder “WOULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN PLEASE!” I was reduced to fits of laughter at 4.30 in the morning. I doubt I would have been amused had that happened every day. Needless to say I never heard them again. A good thing.

Again, I’m no hater. I just don’t think people who live in apartments should be making uncontrolled noises that should be reserved for the jungle, it’s like they’re saying: “Hey everybody! We’re having hanky-panky! Enjoy the sounds!” Well, just so you know, your happiness is making us really unhappy. Maybe it’s just me.


Khaya Dlanga

Khaya Dlanga

Khaya Dlanga* By day he perpetuates the evils of capitalism by making consumers feel insecure (he makes ads). For this he has been rewarded with numerous Loerie awards, Cannes Gold, several Eagle awards...

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