Mshini Wami 5: a new plan for the Scorpions

The ANC are adamant that the Scorpions have to be incorporated into the SAPS as a brand new unit, which will be headed by a deputy national police commissioner and report to the minister of safety and security. In addition they will not be allowed any independent criminal intelligence capability just to make absolutely sure that corruption be allowed to flourish unhindered by these pesky insects.

This is what seems to have emerged from the joint sitting of the National Assembly’s safety and security and justice committees on Tuesday. Apparently they looked at the thousands of suggestions that poured in and decided to go with the ANC’s version regardless. All that seems open to debate is the proposed models, which coincide with the format set out above.

So here’s mine:

Seeing as the emphasis appears to be on ensuring that there are no more surprises like the “arms deal”, why not introduce a warning system along the lines of US Homeland Security. Of course with our problem dealing with any mention of colour we use the Mshini Wami Code instead.

NB: Remember that the parties being warned are those politicians who are in danger of being caught with their hands in the cookie jar rather than the general public as envisaged by the American system. It will therefore require that a member of the unit be tasked with forwarding the following warnings:

MSHINI WAMI 1: Complaint of corruption has been laid – member of the public who complained to be investigated and arrested – remove all traces from your person, house or bank account.

MSHINI WAMI 2: Complainant out on bail and still persists with corruption charges. Threaten any reporter who dares to mention the story that a media tribunal will be set up to ensure that this kind of counter revolutionary filth never sees the light of day again. Re-arrest complainant.

MSHINI WAMI 3: Complainant in solitary, media tantamount to South African Herald yet internet now flooded with allegations of corruption. Suggest you advise ANCYL with the addresses of all parties on internet to start a “Die for [insert corrupt politician’s name here] campaign”.

MSHINI WAMI 4: Complainant’s whole family and circle of friends deported to Burma dressed in American military fatigues and made to wave flags in front of local militia, media heads arrested, “Die for Corruption campaign” in full flight and yet the internet is still being flooded with counter revolutionary corruption allegations from sites overseas! Burning down SAPS unit, blocking the internet and calling out the military veterans!

MSHINI WAMI 5: STOP: Message by telegram as unit burned to the ground STOP World Bank refusing loans on account of corruption STOP President says FFS STOP

Should give a whole new meaning to the meaning of ‘crime detection’, or should I say the prevention thereof.