Movember, moustaches and other manly things

Sorry to let the side down chaps, but I think Movember is a silly idea. No, seriously ous. Of all the things to do in order to raise awareness, why choose to grow a moustache?

To the woefully uninformed, Movember is a movement that started in Australia (where else in the world, with the possible exception of Germany, would such a thing start?) over six years ago. The idea is to bring the moustache back during the month of November for a worthy cause. In South Africa the cause of choice is The Cancer Association of South Africa (CANSA). This means that every johnny you see wandering about with a small thicket on his upper lip this month is encouraging men of all ages to check their plumbing for lumps that shouldn’t be there. Too many men are going belly up because of testicular or prostate cancer, so it’s a good thing that awareness is raised.

Leaving CANSA aside for the moment, I can’t help but wonder why we’re supporting an Australian initiative. It’s a well-established fact that as a country we are supposed to seethe quietly in fury at everything Australian. We’re also meant to mock them unceasingly every time we beat them at something. In that regard, we’ve made impressive ground in rugby and cricket. And what’s more, the Aussies know they’re beaten. Heck, we threw a Kiwi ass-whipping just to seal our dominance. And now we’re throwing that all away by adopting Movember. And yet … it’s for cancer. The big C. For that we must pass this glorious opportunity to sneer at the Aussies. Don’t say we South Africans aren’t magnanimous.

That’s the excuse that’s being dished out at dinner tables across the land as irate women — believe me, I have this on good testimony — demand to know why their men have all reverted back to the dark ages. Yep, instead of getting cute ribbons to pin on our Pringle shirts, we men have opted to go all Alaric the Goth in the face. Hey, it’s for a good cause, right? It’s rather unsporting of you ladies to kick a fuss when the men are doing it for good!

No, actually I take back that bit about Movember being a silly idea. It’s brilliant. Finally, a good excuse to act like a man that doesn’t involve getting shouted at for muddying my clothes and breaking my collar bone. The metro thing may be getting out of hand. Okes are appearing in public with oiled fingers, smelling like sultans. I think it’s good that men touch base once a year with their medieval roots by donning the moustache. Ah, the moustache! That eternal badge of manhood and testosterone! It immediately conjures images of large men devouring roasted springbok flesh, of hairy armpits, of Bulls versus Sharks rugby, of dirty Toyota Hilux bakkies, of Isandlwana, of frothing beers, guns and war, of Pieter de Villiers … If I were only bestowed with serious mo potential, I’d grow my own shrub above the upper lip. Alas, I remain disappointingly thin of facial hair. But next year you can be sure I’ll sport my very own groomed tash with shouty, manly pride. Or whenever my biological clock decides to acknowledge the fact that I’m no longer 14.

If you haven’t yet stopped shaving your chin, I’d suggest you give that Gillette 3000 Close-Shaver Ultra Express a rest. Grow a tush this Movember. All sorts of celebrity-type okes are doing it. If your wife should cause problems, say to her: “Honey. It’s for cancer.”