Matt Damon is the man from U.N.C.L.E Francois Pienaar

If there’s one think in this life that you can guarantee, it’s that a Yank or a Brit, cast to play the role of a South African in a movie, will duff the accent so badly that not one person from the Rainbow Nation will be able to guess which country he’s supposed to be from.

I had tears in my eyes when I read that Matt Damon, the oke from the Bourne Ultimatum movies was going to play ‘Awww Franshwa Man’ Pienaar in a movie about the 1995 Rugby World Cup.

http://entertainment.iafrica.com/news/652695.htm

For starters, he’s too small and if Leonardo Di Caprio is any indication of what the accent is going to sound like then God help us. And you can just imagine the script, crammed full of Holywood’s best feel good lines wif a extra moral frown in vry, gratis en verniet.

(Please remember Franshwa is van Witbank se wereld while the genius playing him is from Cambridge Massechusetts.)

*NB spelling is deliberate and aimed at helping you say the words in the same way that Matt Damon is going to say ’em.

“Katch (as in Christie) ain’t it truly rewarding when a plan comes together? Eye b’live that Cow-bus (English ‘bus’) Wiser has grown both as a lock and as a man”.

Picture the audiences in Brakpan watching this one:

“Wie die fok is Katch?”

“Vra my ek is Moses! Waar kry hulle die doos vandaan? Is Steve Hofmeyer siek of wat?”

That’s just for starters how about?

“Juiced (Van der Westhuizen) don’ ya think that Hannie Lerowks would be better as a safety?”

Back to Brakpan:

“Spot hulle?! Die fillum begin my moer fokken koer!”

And from behind in the cinema:

“Julle daar voor moet jou bek nou begin hou!! Ons kan die bliksemse soutpiel nie eers hoor nie — hoe kan ons begin verstaan die twak wat hy praat?!”

And that’s only Franshwa, man. Who do you think they’re going to cast for the other 14 Springboks?

Which American wenner is going to play Kobus Wiese? Knowing these geniuses they’ll probably go for Brad Pitt on account of his being friends with Damon. With him as Damon’s other mate is Ben Affleck playing Mark Andrews. Between them they don’t weigh the same as Cow-Bus Wiser on his lonesome.

Mind you, can you imagine die drie as hulle gaan haresny?

Mark Andrews shorts a few hairs while Cow-bus likes to shave the top, which gives him that rugged sandpaper look. Either that or they can’t get scissors sharp enough to cut through that wire. Either way they could well revolutionise the movie industry with the scarecuts from hell.

Imagine Ben Affleck on Oscar night sporting his best Mark Andrews (I’ve got tears as I’m typing this). One of those gushy birds from Fox Television stops him on the red carpet.

“Ben if I could just ask you how it feels to drive through Los Angeles with your Mark Andrews cut?”

(A Mark Andrews is a haircut which looks like you’re wearing a black alice-band round your neck with the hair at it’s highest point reaching the ears. Other than that you’re as bald as Kojak).

“Well Tiffany (they’re all Tiffany or Brittany), I have ter admit that this took some getting used ter. But once I got past all the “side-beaver” jokes I was having a ball!”

And of course every American kid will be on it like a flash:

“Daddy daddy I want a Mark Andrews haircut!!”

“No problem boy, soon as they close the casket and start lowering me into the ground…”

And of course they’re going to need guys to play the All Blacks, all the time realising that no American audience would stand for that name. Imagine Morgan Freeman as Madiba in his opening speech:

“And we would like to wish the Springboks and the All African Americans the very best of…”

Dear oh dear oh dear!

Throw in the need to load up with stars and they’ve got Chris Rock playing Jonah Lomu. Imagine the Rock flying down the wing hurling oscenities in that high pitched voice of his!

“Yo motherfockers! Wasssssupppp????!!!!!!!!”

Can you imagine those New Zealand film-goers in Auckland?

“Couldn’t they find a Noo Zeeelander to play Lomu? This bloke doesn’t sound anything looike him?!”

And from behind him in the cinema:

“Hoy – shurrup down there. Can you believe they show a foreign language film without any bloody subtitles?”

The closing moments of the film are all in slow motion. Stransky (played by Woody Allen, looking adorable in green, his glasses held on by an elastic) drops the winning goal and makes the turn towards the half-way line.

Then it’s all stills with about 20 minutes of writing coming up and explaining how South Africa became a multiracial democracy and overcoming the past.

Valoid anyone?