Let me tell ye how it shall be! The sun will be a blazing mass in the sky, rivers and oceans will run dry, massive swarms of locusts will roam the planet as human beings wither and die, blood will boil and turn to scabs as animals suffocate and drown in their own vomit … the rest of the country will be partly cloudy and warm with scattered thundershowers, Mpumalanga being particularly pleasant with a day time high of 24.

So no change there.

Apparently a Scottish astrobiologist, Jack O’Malley-James of the University of St Andrews, Scotland believes that planet Earth will be done and dusted in 2 billion years … well March 14th 2.8 billion … it’s a Friday so that will really put the mockers on “wear your Springbok jersey to work” Fridays.

Those of you who take the time to read the link from the Times of India will become aware of just how bleak the picture is that this Scotsman is painting. Mind you if regard is had to the demeanour of Andy Murray after winning Wimbledon you might say that this genius is actually quite cheerful as Scots go.

Of course most of us are not interested in what will be dying out on the day but rather what will still be around — with the microbes — on that fateful morning.

Let’s start with the givens — Basic Education Minister Angie Motshekga will still be at her post but the text books unfortunately will not have been delivered as yet (shame). Don’t mention the panties — some of us may have done so in passing but no more than that.

Then, of course, Justin Bieber will have reached puberty, the Rolling Stones will still be around but won’t tour as much and Riaan Cruywagen will not have aged one bit.

Solidarity will still be rating the West Rand district municipalities — Merafong, Westonaria, and Randfontien — as the worst in Gauteng although due to the fact that the sun will be blindingly hot and water non-existent, people may believe that they have bigger fish to fry … on their car’s bonnet but let’s not carp on this.

Eskom will still not be able to provide the country’s energy needs but on the bright side that sun will be so fricking hot, who has the energy to switch anything on.

The submarines are still there but the bricks have finally evaporated — good news is that the planes from the arms deal have now finally been paid for even though nobody knows how to fly them.

Radio Jacaranda’s A-rod has finally returned from Kilimanjaro and the Proteas have reached the finals of a one-day tournament.

The givens are easy what about the ponderables?

Derby County may have finally been promoted to the English Premier League under the astute guidance of Sir Alex Ferguson who has come out of retirement with two hips, both legs, left arm, neck, abdomen and head replacements.

7de Laan will be in its final season but after all its name changes — Steve Biko Laan, Ronnie Kasrils Laan etc — producers will advise viewers to click on the cloud which they reserved to record all the different names throughout the history of the show.

Stonehenge will still be there but nobody will have worked out how it came to be or why.

Taylor Swift will finally be 22.

The Egyptian military will be setting the latest dates for democratic elections.

President Zuma will finally release the full and final audit for Nkandla and explain the cabinet shuffle, which took place billions of years ago.

The Democratic Alliance will appoint its new and first black party leader.

In the spirit of Cope and Agang a new party is formed for next year’s elections (they won’t know they’re going to fry) — Thekanniemeerniebombardierhitandhopenkosisickoflelingafrika (all other names having been used up) party which is a multi-everything group who promise not to make the mistakes of the past 2.8 billion years less apartheid, less colonialism add in Khoisan take away the number you started with and the answer is cattle.

Julius Malema’s family finally win the last in a very long line of court cases the basis for starting which nobody can rightly recall.


Michael Trapido

Michael Trapido

Mike Trapido is a criminal attorney and publicist having also worked as an editor and journalist. He was born in Johannesburg and attended HA Jack and Highlands North High Schools. He married Robyn...

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