Malema: We don't need no education

“If Zuma is corrupt, then we want him with all his corruption. We want him with all his weaknesses. If he is uneducated, then we want him as our uneducated president.” (Julius Malema ANCYL president at Cato Manor) Zuma, he said, understood South African economics, which amounted to: “Put a bread on the table. We don’t want sophistication.” (Times)

Pink Floyd should regroup for a South African tour:

We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought (leave it, I’ve adapted it)
No Zille garden boys in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids alone!
Hey! Teacher! You want a hiding?
Hey! Teacher! Drop the fake accent!
And a partridge in a pear tree.

Fabulous stuff!

Which means that after the elections we simply have to find a place for Malema on account of him having turned down a spot on the ANC parliamentary list.

Think about it, where is there a desperate need for someone who feels nothing for education and is quite happy to accept corruption as part of the normal day-to-day running of a major operation? Someone who is a great wit (although here I’m probably half right) and is used to dealing with the negative press that comes with the territory?

No doubt about it, Malema was born to take control of OR Tambo Airport.

Of course we all know that because of that airport and Home Affairs we now need visas if we wish to enter the UK. One month after Malema takes charge the only way you’ll be able to access Britain is by flying to France, watching Papillon on the flight over, driving to the French side of the English Channel and hoping you can land a raft on a remote part on the other side.

Short of that I’d have to say that a one-eyed leper with “Jihads R Us” printed on his T-shirt wearing a bell around his neck — the kind used to warn people of the Black Death — and waving a live hand grenade has a better chance of getting through Heathrow than any South African.

Along the lines of: “ding ding ding Heathrow announces the departure of rendition flight 744 to Kabul. Could all South Africans without visas kindly board through gate 7 … and take your bloody wood with you. Does the terminal look like a raft building centre?!”

Picture Sky’s interview with Graeme Smith at the Twenty20 World Cup:

“Graeme as one of the favourites did you think it was wise to bring only eight players this close to the tournament.”

“We actually brought sixteen players and eight officials but the raft capsized and we lost two-thirds of our touring party in the channel.”

Unfortunately SAA are currently drowning in a deluge of negative publicity with everything from crews being bust with drucks at Heathrow, enormous financial problems, strikes and even Carte Blanche having a programme on Sunday night wherein it was alleged that no less than 15 druck syndicates are operating out of OR Tambo. Can we fix all that?

Hell no!

So surely the next best thing is to put Malema in control of the whole thing. As he has already stated regarding Zuma, he’d be happy to have him as president even if he turns out to be corrupt. This nest of corruption should therefore be his ideal placement. While he might not be able to stop the syndicates, improve the finances or even put an end to the strikes, he could certainly see off the media with the currently unemployed pack of sniffer dogs.

Is he any good with animals?

Well he undoubtedly seems to know lots and lots about snakes and a bit about the odd mouse or two — overqualified if you ask me.

Anyhow if anyone from the media or one of Zille’s garden boys comes within 500m of OR Tambo they’ll think they’ve just stepped onto the set of The Omen. The sight and sounds of fifteen homicidal Rottweilers — their nails trying desperately to get a grip on the concrete floor as they try to turn a corner — with Malema shouting encouragement in the background — should be enough to see off even the bravest cameraman Carte Blanche has on their panel.

So even though all the corruption and waste should continue unabated, at least we won’t get to hear about it. Moreover we could introduce euthanasia for those who wish to end it all but aren’t able to do it themselves. None of the subtlety of a clinic in Switzerland for our mob:

“I’m sorry Mrs Blowfeld but you only have about 6 months to live.”

“Thank you for your honesty doctor. Could you call me a cab for the airport and ask your receptionist if I could just have one of those press cards you have on sale in the lobby?”

“Certainly. Should I just make sure that Malema hasn’t kennelled the dogs while he’s visiting Nogoma?”

“Thank you doctor.”

For his part Malema would be spending most of the day at the airport in between popping out to threaten the country and insulting the opposition and ANC leaders before heading home for tea and biscuits.