Luiz Felipe Scolari: Chelsea’s shpeshialsh onesh

Everyone’s always asking me where the name Trapido comes from. It is in fact Portugese in origin, and we trace our ancestory back to Porto a few centuries ago. Even though none of us actually speak the lingo, it does not prevent my sons and I from supporting Portugal against everyone but Bafana Bafana.

Nothing and no-one takes precedence over South Africa!

Of course this heritage makes us keenly aware of all things Portuguese. So I couldn’t fail to pick up on an article in SportingLife which says that the new Chelsea boss, Brazillian Luiz Felipe Scolari will have no language problems getting his message across to the players despite his imperfect English.

http://www.sportinglife.com/football/news/story_get.cgi?STORY_NAME=soccer/08/06/12/SOCCER_Chelsea_Scolari.html

As a Brazillian, Scolari speaks Portuguese as his first language, with a bit of English thrown in here and there. Which means the British media will idolise him. Remember how they hung onto every word of the Special One?

Every sentence the subject of analysis and debate.

The British press loves foreigners — who could ever forget the French philosopher Eric Cantona?

“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it’s because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea”.

The press lapped it up, going on about philosophy and all sorts of other garbage. My best was Gordon Strachan who said in response: “If a Frenchman goes on about seagulls, trawlers and sardines, he’s called a philosopher. I’d just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap”.

And he’s right!

I would just love to be Scolari at the press conferences. I would be throwing them Dr Seuss goes to Lisbon:

“Felipe, Joe Bloggs of the Times of London: Should Drogba be sold?”

“Você fá-lo-ia em uma casa? Nenhum não uma casa mas com um rato.”
(Translates roughly a : Would you do it in a house? No not a house, but with a mouse.)

Next day in the Times: “Scolari compares Drogba to Argentinean great Antonio Rattin sent off in 1966 World Cup QF against England. This leads us to believe that Drogba is a problem child in so far as discipline is concerned. He also confirmed that Drogba is injury prone by his clever use of the word ‘house’, which can only be a reference to Dr Gregory House in the hit medical drama series House.

The Sun would be worse .

“Felipe, is Ashley Cole going to be joining his former boss in Italy?”

“As perguntas são complicadas às vezes as respostas simples.”
(Sometimes the questions are complicated the answers simple)

Next day in The Sun: “The genius of Scolari. Confronted with a question on the future of Ashley Cole he indicated that while the question might be complex the answer is simple. This means that while Cole will be living in a townhouse complex, which must mean Italy, his transfer will be simple”.

And they say the press makes it up!

Anyhow, those of you who grew up in Johannesburg with it’s huge Portuguese community know only too well how the guys who speak Portuguese first and English second get their message across.

So in order to assist Chelsea players here are some phrases that may be of assistance.

SCOLARI (The Specialsh One) TRANSLATED

Franksh (Lampard) You looksh like Meatsh an’ Two Veggieshpa — You look like a prick

Ess you’ve got wagsh? — Essien you got a wife or girlfriend?

Ballack do you know who I amshpa?” — Self explanatory

Colesh you calling me guavsh and grandelsh?” — Cole are you calling me a fruitcake?

You’ve gotta admit we’re gonna have a ball with this. Let’s just hope Roman doesn’t take this toy away as abruptly as he did the last one.

Going home to my wagsh.