Kraai the beloved country

Manne, I believe the Bokke are going to crush the whingeing Poms on Saturday. That goes without saying. However, in the event of the impossible becoming a reality, you need to be prepared — you need to know how to deal with your emotions without making your name totally tottie.

Accordingly herewith:

Traps’s guide to expressing your emotions in the event of defeat
1. Many of you have watched the deaths of family members, horrendous accidents or other traumatic events without so much as blinking an eye. Now, chances are, you may well burst into tears and sob uncontrollably over a rugby game. Your missus is going to lose respect, boet.

* Gauteng Lions supporters, please ignore this article. You guys have made snot en trane an exact science over the years. This is more for the guys who aren’t used to losing every week.

2. What you need is a cogent reason why you are inconsolable but which does not relate to the rugby. I was going to suggest trying to get in touch with your feminine side, but the last time I did that, you all phoned your girlfriends. I landed up fielding calls from outraged wives because you told them I told you to phone these women. Over my bank manager’s dead body will I ever put up with that crap again.

3. The answer, I believe, lies in your “developing” a social conscience (FFS, whatever you do don’t try saying that — use things like “I feel bad about …” or “It’s such a shame that …”). In plain English, you feel bad about things like poverty etc etc.

4. Now all we need to do is to get you to start crying before Friday — that way she’ll think you are growing as a person and accept it as normal behaviour by the time you start howling on Saturday. Do not start on Saturday or she will know! Just think, every time you recall those whingeing Pommies winning and burst into tears, your missus will be on the phone telling her family and friends how you’ve matured and turned the corner as a human being.

5. As most of you don’t know how to cry, I thought of going extreme — for example, putting a whole stack of drawing pins in your shoes. Walk 10 yards in those and she’ll believe that you may well be the next Gandhi. Then I realised that if this works and your wives start boasting about how sensitive you lot are, you’ll land up trying to outdo each other and start looking to go more and more extreme — me fielding calls from your wives about how I told you to crush your legs beneath a tractor, or worse, being asked whether I know if the Messiah has come, on account of your divine-like qualities ever since you started amputating your body parts. Spare me.

6. I’ve gone for onions, boet, which means you need to carry them wherever you go. Wrapped
in tissues and ready to use every time you see an incident worthy of tears. Now this is going to present a problem — your wife knows when it’s appropriate to cry, but you don’t. Chances are you’ll see the price of beer’s gone up and start “growing as a person” — manne, julle moet konsentreer. Watch a few movies and see which situations make women cry. Pick about five of those and only cry in those circumstances.

7. Please be aware that onions are pungent and even though your wife will probably feel close
to you, under no circumstances must you come within 10 yards of her — and make sure you’re
upwind. When she asks why you’re sleeping in the garden, tell her you can’t live in comfort with all those people suffering. Boet, if you ignore this warning, your wife will be telling all her friends that you’ve got an onion fetish and it’s making you cry. Is that what you want? You have to choose now: sex and making your name tottie, or being considered a decent, caring human being (at least until you can bring your emotions under control). You can’t have both.

8. Of course there’s one small snag — after Saturday you will want to cry often and at
inappropriate moments. Sans onions, without any reason, bursting into tears. Just keep saying things like: “I keep seeing their faces” or “I can’t cope with their pain”. Don’t all use the same one! Those are examples. Find one you think nobody else is using.

9. Finally, if we win, which we will, just dump the onions and shower for let’s say … what’s it now, October, until about mid-November. Then get on to your computer and let those whingeing Pommies have it!

May the force be with you.