Kgalema Motlanthe: great speeches we’d like to see

One of the columnists I really love reading is the Mail & Guardian’s Guy Berger. At least with him you are guaranteed not to land up with same old, same old and this week’s column, entitled “Kgalema vs Thabo: Workmanship in wordsmithing”, is no exception.

www.mg.co.za/article/2008-10-02-kgalema-vs-thabo-workmanship-in-wordsmithing

Of course all of us are, to a lesser or greater degree, aware of the great speeches or orators of our time and from days gone by. Giants like JFK, Churchill or even Barrack Obama, who are capable of moving and uplifting people through their words and the manner in which they deliver them.

They are not, however, the people I would pay to go and see.

For me I would even climb on an airplane (which I hate) and travel thousands of miles to watch South African President Kgalema Motlanthe deliver the following speech, dictated by Gwede Mantashe to his secretary Ms Jones, who has a nasty habit of writing down everything she hears, regardless of whether it’s part of the dictation or not.

The product of that would then be downloaded onto the teleprompter and delivered live to a huge SABC3 television audience and would go something like this:

KGALEMA MOTLANTHE LIVE AT AUCKLAND PARK

[Dark suit, white shirt, pale blue tie, clean shaven with forehead furrowed to ensure serious yet warm approach. Try reading it out loud as if you are the president reading this speech to the nation]

My fellow South Africans — further to my previous address I would like to Baleka get out of that car now! I don’t care if you don’t have a licence! Give the keys to Morris. Where was I Ms Jones? Oh yes … outline key economic issues, which will be tabled at the Tripartite-Alliance conference later this month.

As I am sure you are all aware … Julius do you have an appointment? How many times must I tell you that if you want to see the secretary general you have to make an appointment? You can’t just wander in to my office any time you feel like. Oh really?! Well die quietly outside my office; I’m dictating the president’s speech! Can you believe the cheek of that man? Really! The ANC, Cosatu and the SACP will all be putting forward discussion papers outlining the way forward.

Finance Minister Trevor Manuel has assured us that shit the lights have just gone off again. Is Erwin still around? I’ve got a good mind to go and wait there’s the generator. Sometimes I think I would have been better off doing medicine rather … irrespective of the natural inclination of the partners, priority will be given to retaining those tried and tested policies which have ensured sustained growth.

To those who are still enduring the hardships of poverty, unemployment and lack of service delivery I would immediately draw your attention to fuck, has Manto been in my office again? I know there was a bottle of Jack Daniels in this drawer yesterday! That’s it. I’m locking this office from now on! I mean what is the point of stocking a bottle of whiskey if the first time you’d like a tot, the things been half-inched! I’ll bet you it was her … never mind … the fact that these considerations now enjoy the highest priority. The government plans to ensure that tangible relief is forthcoming within a matter of days.

To the overseas community and specifically investors who view our wonderful country as an opportunity for growth strewth have you seen the pictures Sue Shabangu sent me Ms Jones? Look at these! What’s this book called? Better policing methods by Pol Pot. Seems to have bits about make-up, have you ever used Khmer Rouge? Anyhow … we trust that you will appreciate consistency not only in terms of our financial policies but also in our sustained growth.

Good night and God bless you all.

For that I would pay a fortune!