JSE launches petroleum jelly exchange

The Johannesburg Stock Exchange today announced it would launch an international petroleum jelly market in what is set to be the largest soft paraffin futures exchange in the world. This as growing volumes in the trade of multi-hydrocarbons followed in the wake of Jacob Zuma’s presidency in 2009. The market for petroleum jelly, the JSE says, has now reached unprecedented levels.

Dubbed the “Crude Bend”, the market will see Unilever — owner of the Vaseline brand — abandon its consumer goods portfolios to assume a new role as the king of commodities. With a company that will be called Better Unlimited Multinational (BUM), Unilever’s “newco” is set to soon rival the likes of ExxonMobile and PetroChina.

“We’ve been monitoring the rising sales of petroleum jelly for some time now, but in recent years the media sector has completely opened up to us and is driving massive volumes. Today petroleum jelly has become as important to the South African economy as oil or coal,” Richard “Dick” Slick, the incoming CEO of BUM said. “Who knew a personal endorsement from Schabby Shaik would be the tipping point and would drive a trade frenzy?” Slick added.

During the 2004 fraud trial of Schabby Shaik evidence led by Shaik’s personal aide revealed that Zuma’s former benefactor had to “carry a jar of Vaseline (with him) because he gets fucked all the time”. The infamous courtroom drama saw Shaik’s aide disclose that the one-time unsecured loans provider was more than satisfied with the oil-based lubricant. “He (Schabby Shaik) gets what he wants and they get want they want,” the aide said in court.

“The Shaik family have been pivotal to the growth of the Vaseline brand in Africa and beyond,” said Slick who elaborated that the brand’s use was popularised after Schabby Shaik started shipping massive quantities through his now-defunct company, Knob Holdings.

“More recently we owe a massive debt to You-know-whonis Shaik, Schabby’s brother” Slick said, and explained that petroleum jelly was introduced as an employee benefit by You-know-whonis Shaik to Hosken Cumsolidated Industries (the owners of eeeeeeeeeeTV).

“This employee wellness practice was soon exported to news companies across the globe. Why, we’re currently shipping massive quantities to the States, given how tight the Senate race in the US is,” Slick said. “We also have container ships leaving Durban Harbour on a daily basis destined for North Korea. Needless to say the All-Russia State Television and Radio Broadcasting Company would be lost without us, and I won’t even begin talking about the Zim cabinet. The market’s exploded.”

“Back home soft paraffin is a staple at the Public Broadcaster and the Grabta’s media empire — you know that newspaper nobody reads and that television station only government watches … what are they called again?” Slick asked.

“We’re even beginning to hear of its commercial application beyond news in Native Content and a brand new form of Native Advertising called ‘The Active Withdrawal Method’. Why, only this week, Vaseline was handed out during morning briefings at the Un-Independent stable. Kreamôre Bruin and her news crew pioneered this form after actively removing the Pick ‘n Betaal brand from news photographs depicting Cape mall robberies. You’ll be surprised how easily Vaseline lubricates decision making on ‘Active Withdrawals’,” the BUM executive said.

The JSE Petroleum Jelly Exchange — to be called the Petroleum jelly Regulated International Commerce (Pric) will launch in May 2015, celebrating the month that Jacob Zuma was elected, and inaugurated, SA president. “We owe so much to Zuma,” Slick said nostalgically. “I remember the days petroleum jelly was used on oil rigs and was basely referred to as ‘rod wax’. Who knew it would come so far and wide, and would one day lubricate affairs of state?” Slick mused wistfully.

– Sideswipe, South Africa’s finest news source.