Inquest: Diana's letters to Dodi and a few I've received from Mr Lombard

I’ve been reading a few articles about Princess Diana’s inquest and in particular the letters that she wrote to Dodi Fayed.

They are very touching and go right to the heart of the tragedy: a sensitive soul who becomes princess, only to be scorned by a rather cruel and insensitive prince. In Dodi she finds true love, only to see their time together dramatically curtailed by a horrendous car crash.

Very sad … and it got me thinking (OH F–K NO! — I can almost hear the editors from here) about what letters they would read out if ever I were the subject matter of an inquest such as this.

Is there a relationship that I have formed over the years that a magistrate could factor in when considering my state of mind? A relationship recorded in writing and containing the same sort of emotion that we find in Diana’s letters?

In truth, there is one that is so highly charged that it matches, perhaps even surpasses, the one discussed above. It is my ongoing relationship with Mr Johan Lombard.

Johan is a very sensitive and highly emotional individual as the following letters over the past three months clearly demonstrate.

The first was received by me at the end of October 2007 and reads as follows :

Dear Sir

When you first approached our branch for an overdraft, I took the time and trouble to inform you that in the event of them recording a temperature of 60 degrees below freezing in Hades, I would reconsider your application.

I also made every effort to ensure that all your credit cards were cut up in your presence and then burnt in my office. I even called every credit information bureau from Joint Banks to Experion to make absolutely certain that not only were you blacklisted but credit vendors were also advised to be armed in your presence.

You were then unceremoniously thrown out of the branch by security.

Fool that I am, I assumed that you would somehow comprehend that you would not be getting another cent from this bank! That assumption was soon dashed when I received a call from various stores that you had “paid” using our cheques.

Normally I would have just bounced them over the Carlton Centre but I was informed that you had somehow gotten hold of our stamp, guaranteeing the cheques to R1 000 each and forged my signature on the stamp at the back of the instrument.

That, sir, is out and out fraud!

If you are not in my office by November 7 2007 with the stamp, money to repay the bank and a suitable explanation, I will immediately have you arrested.

Yours faithfully

Mr J Lombard
Executive Bank Manager, Plenipotentiary and Father of the Nation

You could immediately tell from just a casual glance that JL was playing hard to get. So I sent him a short handwritten note :

Dear Johan

Enclosed please find pictures of your meeting of the “Fathers of South African Neo-Nazis, Papier Mâché and Cooking Club”. Kindly note that your swastikas look a bit worn out and could use a wash.

Kind regards

Traps

For some obscure reason he thereupon chose to respond using stationery from some pharmacy where I assume he had been filling a prescription. This was hand-delivered on November 20, attached to a brick that was thrown through our kitchen window (which he’ll pay for).

It reads as follows (I think he was upset) :

Listen, you bastard

I don’t know where you got those pictures from, but I can promise you this, if you try to use
them, you and your family will die!

F–k YOU!

Which I took for some sort of new debt-collecting procedure I may have somehow overlooked.

Notwithstanding, I felt I had to respond :

Dear Jo

Your letter (and brick) of November 20 2007 has reference:

I have every faith in your good judgement and trust that I won’t have to use the photos.

I came past the branch yesterday and was told that you’d been off ill for a few days. I was very upset and told your deputy that I hoped that the old leprosy problem wasn’t manifesting itself again.

Mercifully, I explained to them, your Alzheimer’s spares you the anguish of living with the condition.

I tried to call back this morning but I saw they were fumigating the whole branch.

Good news is that they aren’t condemning the building despite early fears of an outbreak.

Tomorrow I’ll be calling on your wife to explain the problems

Regards

Traps

The reply came on the bank’s letterhead :

Dear Sir

We are delighted to inform you that despite your incredibly poor financial position, horrendous track record and inability to stop gambling, we have reinstated your account and extended you an overdraft in accordance with your previous application.

If you have any queries please don’t hesitate to call on me.

Kind regards

Mr J Lombard
Executive Bank Manager, Plenipotentiary and Father of the Nation

The man’s a saint.