If Jews were suicide bombers

As Jews one of the first things we learn is that suicide is absolutely taboo. It can never be condoned in religious terms and accordingly should never even be contemplated. There are even separate burial laws for those who have done the deed.

Of course in logistical terms there are far more compelling reasons why we would never entertain the idea: Firstly, no self respecting Jew would ever be caught dead at a mall wearing a haversack. Not even if it’s only for a few seconds and the only people who would see you were the guys watching the CCTV images on TV news. Imagine the shame you would bring on your parents. All those yentas sitting there going … “Did you see Trapido? He was wearing a haversack in Sandton City! I told you with a surname like Trapido he can’t be … must have come from the scouts and forgotten to return a primus stove or something.”

Not one of them would be concerned about the bomb, just the fact that here was a shmuck who didn’t have enough dress sense to remove a haversack before going in.

Secondly, the last thing you’re ever going to tempt a nice Jewish boy with, is the fact that there’ll be loads of virgins waiting on the other side.

Hell we live with virgins and quasi-virgins our whole lives: Jewish foreplay is seven hours of begging.

The quickest way to send the entire volunteer group packing is to tell them that as soon as they get to heaven they might as well throw away their shoes because they’ll be on their knees for eternity.

“Hell no! Send my cousin Milton … the bastard’s always sponging off everyone let him go beg there!”.

Thirdly, you’re going to have a helluva problem with the religious-versus-secular split on the issue of beards. No self respecting bomber would go in unshaven and no secular Jew is going to walk around with a scrawny beard for weeks on end. Either his wife or mother would have it off him in a matter of days. The religious guys on the other hand love to wear long beards but — for religious reasons — would never entertain suicide.

Fourthly, and this is compelling, no self-respecting Jewish man has the technical skills to change even a light bulb. So how are you going to train them to pack, carry and then detonate a bomb? I’m assuming here that they’ve managed to keep the beard, got passed all the kugels at the mall without being seen with a haversack and reconciled themselves to an eternity begging virgin yentas with headaches.

The school of suicide bombers would be imploding on a daily basis.

Can you imagine what an anti-semite you’d make of the landlord who owns the building where they train them?

“Listen! The next Jew to explode here and I’m terminating the lease. Haven’t you read the clause that says no structural alterations without the landlord’s consent? Now clean up your friend and don’t let me catch anyone doing this again!”

Religious and technical concerns will prevent suicide bombing from becoming popular in the near future.

Perhaps if Britney was on the other side …