Great pre-election party political adverts we’d like to see

It is becoming apparent that political parties will be allowed to advertise on television in the lead up to next year’s general election. While the SABC is up in arms about the huge losses in revenue that this might occasion we as South Africans must stand up and be counted. Demand that parties be given their two minutes slots or risk missing adverts that go something like this :

(Note each is limited to 2 minutes)

Democratic Alliance

[The advert is Helen Zille walking along the beach in Clifton with Nataniel speaking in the background]

“Helen Zille is the leader of the Democratic Alliance, Mayor of Cape Town, shortlisted for world mayor of the year, Newsmaker of the year 2006, finalist in the Woman of the year 2003, North Eastern Cape baker of the season 1998, Waverley Brownie pack leader 1967 – with special badges for hiking and compass orientation, Master pool chemical treater with added sparkle 1987 plus special award for filter drainage, Best outfit in a crimpelene only design contest 2002, Top attendance at PTA meetings award 2000 and 2001, Best…..”

“Thank you that’s your 2 minutes!”

“But we haven’t said anything about our policies yet!”

So no change there

ANC

[If you’ve seen Woody Allen’s ‘Take the money and Run’, you’ll recall it was done in the form of a documentary. Virgil (his character) is a bank robber and each time they interview his parents in the film, they are wearing a Groucho Marx false moustache and glasses combination. For the ANC advert we have NEC member Julius Malema sitting at a table, facing the camera and flanked by two men and two women from the NEC all wearing the Groucho Marx moustache and glasses combination. Unfortunately due to pressing commitments former president Mbeki was unavailable]

“Hi, I’m Julius Malema speaking to you today while wearing my ANC NEC hat not my ANCYL president’s hat…not that it’s really a hat, that’s just a figure of speech and if it were a real hat, it wouldn’t belong to me but the real president of the country Jacob Zuma who would have lent it to me….as it were…so I could speak for the party here today….sort of a party hat….but enough about me what do you think of me?

As some of you might know, the ANCYL finally figured out how to get some of the money out of Lembede Investments. As soon as we did, before you could say Bob’s your Tyrant, we’d gone out and made a significant contribution towards social upliftment. We brought out a ballpoint pen which when you click it, a window opens up on the side and out comes a scroll with all the details about Jacob Zuma you could possibly want…. Sorry could I ask my fellow NEC members to sit up straight…they seem to be sliding down their chairs, just now they’ll be under the table.

Remember the pen is mightier than the sword as that counter revolutionary found out when I rammed it in his ear.”

ANC-PF

[Like Zanu-PF but here “PF” stands for power failure – so who better to lead the party than their new chairman…]

“Hi, I’m Alec Erwin co-founder and president of the ANC-PF. Awhile ago, after my appointment as minister of public enterprises, I advised those who were highly critical of certain appointments following the Eskom debacle, that who could be better to fix those problems than the geniuses who had been there right through the whole fiasco. Well forget all that, It is in fact far better to introduce fresh blood to lead this country forward.

Men and women who were with you during the dark days of power failures – and here I’m not referring to the opportunists who burgled your homes – ensuring that each day was filled with new possibilities and the exciting uncertainty of load shedding schedules that never quite matched the times when there was no power. People who brought religion back to this country where all religious leaders had failed.

Daily my ministry was heartened to read stories of how families would group together under the bed in the main bedroom and pray fervently to above, promising the Almighty that if they survived a particular blackout and the gentlemen ransacking the house at that time they would never criticize Sue Shabangu again.

Hallelujah, South Africa vote for the ANC-PF and those days will surely be back again sooner than you think.

Send the ANC-PF to parliament and you won’t regret it -remember, acounntibaliety is my middle name.”

AWB

The one we’d all love to see is of course Eugene Terre’blanche and the AWB. Hopefully someone can convince them to register a party and produce a classic along these lines.

[ET is not as young as he once was so its shot at a distance of 2 000 metres. The cameras are on top of a koppie and down below you can just make out a group of riders all wearing their khakis and led by ET on a huge black steed while carrying the AWB flag. The song playing in the background is Johnny Cash’s ‘Ghost riders in the sky’. There is no talking this is a demonstration of power and action – try imagine the voice of Johnny Cash. Due to budget constraints they can only shoot this once, so what you see is what you get]

Ghost riders in a sky
————————–

An old cowboy went riding out one dark and windy day (ET’s off his horse)
Upon a ridge he rested as he went along his way
When all at once a mighty herd of red eyed cows he saw (They’ve doubled back and put him on again)
A-plowing through the ragged sky and up the cloudy draw

Their brands were still on fire and their hooves were made of steel
Their horns were black and shiny and their hot breath he could feel (He’s off again)
A bolt of fear went through him as they thundered through the sky
For he saw the Riders coming hard and he heard their mournful cry (There’s a paramedic but he look’s okay – Yep he’s on again)

Yippie Kiyaaaaaaaaaay
Yippie Kiyoooooooooooh
Ghost Riders in the sky

Their faces gaunt, their eyes were blurred, their shirts all soaked with sweat (Off I’m afraid)
He’s riding hard to catch that herd, but he ain’t caught ’em yet (Just klapped one of the guys helping him up)
‘Cause they’ve got to ride forever on that range up in the sky (He’s now chasing the poor oke)
On horses snorting fire (Guys are pointing to the cameras so he gets on again)
As they ride on hear their cry

Yippie Kiyaaaaaaaaaay
Yippie Kiyoooooooooooh
Ghost Riders in the sky

As the riders loped on by him he heard one call his name (ET’s trying to moer the same guy with his whip while riding)
If you want to save your soul from Hell a-riding on our range (He’s off again)
Then cowboy change your ways today or with us you will ride (The rest stop but the victim keeps riding)
Trying to catch the Devil’s herd, across these endless skies (He’s stood up and pulled a gun)

Yippie Kiyaaaaaaaaaay
Yippie Kiyoooooooooooh
Ghost Riders in the sky

Ghost Riders in the sky (Fade before we can see what happens next)
Ghost Riders in the sky
Ghost Riders in the sky
Send “Ghost Riders In The Sky” Ringtone to your Cell Phone

The SABC will just have to cough I’m not missing out on top stuff like this.

I’ll write to them using my JZ ballpoint.