Fake crack for the elderly and a six-year-old sex offender: Bring back corporal punishment!

This week the Sowetan ran a poll to try to assess its readers’ views on the best way to ensure safety at schools — turns out that corporal punishment came romping in as the “weapon of choice”. Sucks to all of you who gave me an earful for daring to raise it on Thought Leader.

Of course little diddums needs a patz in tochas when he’s naughty! How else are you going to discipline the poor, misguided little waif? Appeal to his better nature, bribe him with toys or threaten him with “wait until your [powerless] father gets home”? Don’t waste your time. Haul out the old two-by-four, like our teachers at Highlands Boys’ High School used to do, and bring a tear to the eye of the offender. Never did me any harm — ask my therapist.

Before I get any more references to books written by American and British psychologists, know this: these had better contain an explanation of why their kids are such obnoxious, precocious little brats or violent yobs, or I ain’t reading it!

Many of us are dying to have corporal punishment brought back, but anyone who dares to raise it gets mauled by the PC brigade. Eamonn Holmes (Sky News and People) in an article for the Sunday People refers to the strap almost wistfully before confirming that he would never even suggest a return to those days.

Why not?

Besides all the killings and total lawlessness that is found in schools the world over, there’s the little matter of us having to live with your shnookums on a daily basis. Ill-mannered, intolerant and brash, and those are the more sensitive ones. Do you think we were all laughing at the “headache text” a few days ago because it doesn’t ring a chord? It goes: “Panado: Take two and keep away from children”.

I’m not talking about abusing diddums — heaven forbid; just that if he cheeks his parents or his teachers, there has to be something more compelling than “time out” to bring him back into line. Yes, I understand that you don’t want to curb his enthusiasm or dent his confidence — the problem is that many of you land up in court with attorneys being asked by you: “What can I do with him? He just won’t listen!”

No shit, Sherlock — why would he when all he’s ever known is mommy and daddy shielding him from authority and discipline? Why not read to him from the psycho-babble you send me whenever I raise this issue? Better yet, make a list of all the contributors to the comments section below and take your son, who has just shot somebody or killed someone with his car while high as a kite, to visit them.

Bet you all that psychological claptrap is going to sound just a little bit hollow to you. It won’t worry diddums because he couldn’t be bothered to listen — mommy and daddy will sort it out.

What amazes me is that so many of you spend so much time listening to or watching American programmes on child-rearing, like they’re so good at it. Every day in every way they are trying to find newer and better ways to sensationalise the way in which they are raising the next generation of neurotics.

Try Randy Castro, the six-year-old who has been declared a sex offender for slapping a classmate on her bottom!

This first-grader from Potomac View Elementary School is apparently guilty of sexual harassment and the privileged owner of a tag that will haunt him for the rest of his life. Firstly the fact that the Feds were called in is pathetic, but more importantly for this argument, wouldn’t a smack on the bottom have sorted it out far more humanely and without mental scars?

Any Highlands boy will tell you that our boss and his staff used to hand out plenty of canings and, unless I’m very much mistaken, none of us was scarred or even remember them.

We knew: in class you behaved and learned your lessons, at home you did your homework.

This does not mean that children with genuine disabilities should be caned for slow progress. Science and medicine has made it possible to distinguish between naughty and learning difficulties. I’m sure parents and teachers would be guided accordingly.

Child abusers, on the other hand, will remain as much regardless of whether you outlaw corporal punishment or not. If they aren’t afraid of the sanctions applicable to child neglect, abuse or even molestation, then infringing the laws on corporal punishment won’t even feature in their thinking.

I may be wrong but, as I remember it, children used to know how to behave and their parents were usually happy to have them around, instead of dumping them at malls on a Saturday night. Fun for the whole family didn’t mean the folks went gambling and swinging while the kids hit the shopping centres.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not knocking the educational benefit of our malls — who knows, you may be lucky and be on your way to raising the next Hillmon Arnold. This genius was trying to sell fake crack cocaine at an old-age nursing home to support his own cocaine habit.

Just think, if Hillmon’s folks would have given him a good crack when he was younger, he wouldn’t have landed up selling bad crack when he got older.

I’m busy for a few days, so I won’t be reading your comments on this one.