English rugby: Enter the ten-eighth

Before I start with this analysis into the disastrous state of English rugby, I want you to bear in mind that we are all ambassadors for South African rugby.

Don’t let me catch any of you lot sniggering. Would you mock Portuguese or Georgian rugby? Of course not. Accordingly, I expect the same courtesy to be shown to all minnows making their way in the game.

England have enough problems with Samoa this week without people making snide remarks.

Now, as you may or may not be aware, Brian Ashton employed both Catt and Farrel as five-eighths against the Springboks. Sort of a ten-eighth.

He figured that with Jonny Wilkinson-out-with-injury, he would need the additional firepower.

Now we all know that Wilkinson-out-with-injury has the ability to keep the English pack going forward with those long, probing kicks. He is able to pin the opposition in their own half with England taking advantage of any mistakes. But Wilkinson-out-with-injury has two major assets ; he has the ability to land the ball on a sixpence and is highly intelligent.

When Ashton tried to find a player who possessed both of these qualities, he came up an attribute short. Hence he decided he needed the intelligence of Catt. Who else would have rolled over and played dead when Jonah Lomu was running full steam at him during the 1995 World Cup?

Combine it with the kicking boot of ex-Rugby Leaguer Farrell who can land the ball on a sixp … er … Mars.

Unfortunately what Ashton failed to factor in is that at any one time, depending on which half of the ten-eighth had the ball, one of the attributes would be missing. Accordingly, the ball either landed up out of the stadium or fell woefully short.

This created havoc with the forwards trying to take over the kicking. One desperado even tried a chip kick in the second half with the English back line in full flow.

Now much has been made of the fact that the only area in which the England team did well was the scrum. Management believed that this was down to the fact that technically they have advanced to the level of other rugby powers in this discipline.

The truth, however, is that after seeing the ten-eighth either blast the ball dead or drop it short into Springbok hands, with the resultant missile flying over their heads, they were in fact loathe to allow the ball out of the scrum.

They figured, seeing as they weren’t doing anything, why not hold a see-how-long-we-can-hold-the-ball-in-the-scrum competition?

How does Ashton cure this problem?

Ha. Ha. Ha. No, but seriously, folks … what if he employs a cunning plan?

Move Catt to five and Farrell to eight? By doing that the pack will no longer be able to retain the ball in the scrum (not at the speed they’ll be going backwards), move one lock to first five-eighth and the eighth man to second five-eighth.

Next week: How to find a job in international management.