DJ Sbu and the quest to prove SA crack is the market leader

The next time you are bored and can’t think of anything better to do, why not pop along to a traffic court near you?

I guarantee that during the course of the day you will wet yourself at least five times. If you think that the geniuses at Eskom have great excuses for their latest power-shedding debacle, then consider them amateurs.

Next to the pearlers that our magistrates have to listen to, from your fellow South Africans, explaining why they were exceeding the speed limit due to factors beyond their control, Eskom is a novice.

With this in mind I’m afraid that DJ Sbu’s (Sbusiso Leope) statement, released on his Facebook profile, is not in keeping with the great South African traditional determination to refuse to accept responsibility no matter how ridiculous one’s defence may be.

The statement reads:

TS Records founder member and Ukhozi FM presenter DJ Sbu Leope is apologising for being found in the wrong of the law this week. While driving from the Eastern Cape on Sunday, he was stopped by the traffic officials driving his Audi TT at 257km/h in a 120km/h zone. On Tuesday, he appeared at the Johannesburg Magistrate’s Court for reckless and dangerous driving. He admitted guilt and was fined by the magistrate.

DJ Sbu says: “I was driving a comfortable car and I was not even aware that I was speeding. But as a responsible citizen of South Africa, I don’t condone my actions. I am aware that I did something wrong, but I want to urge people to be careful when they drive on the roads because speed kills. Since it is the festive season, I want to urge drivers and pedestrians to be careful on the roads.”

Which can be roughly translated as follows:

“I’m sorry — I was driving at 257km/h but didn’t know that I was speeding. But as a responsible citizen of South Africa, I don’t condone my actions. I was wrong and urge you to be careful.”

It’s a good thing that they switched off the tape from which DJ Sbu was dictating at that point or the transcriber may have caught the end of his speech, which I would imagine was:

“… how does that sound? OK? What time does the crack dealer get here?”

You can tell me what you like, but anyone who is driving at 257km/h and doesn’t know it has to have found the mother lode.

I don’t care what it takes — I’m leaving no rock unturned in the quest to find out what it was this genius was smoking.

Can you imagine the metro cops plotting this one on the radar:

“Control, this is two-two, we have what appears to be some sort of light aircraft on the road. Please confirm whether Nationwide are flying again or do we have a new land-speed record to report?”

“Two two, this is control, try to see if any engines have fallen off the unidentified unit. If not, that is a motor vehicle.”

“Roger that, control — I’m currently pointing my Glock at my partner; we’re just debating who’s gonna step in the road to flag this genius down.”

Maybe the Audi TT has a black box and we can listen to DJ Sbu’s attempt at take-off :

“Houghton [we don’t have a Houston], this is Eagle 1, I am approaching 257km/h; I’ll be lifting off shortly, banking left and setting an easterly course for Abudabby … Abbudibby … I left my heart in San Francisco … are those elephants?”

Certainly brings new meaning to a DJ being “on the air”.

Whatever the case — this genius and the guys who helped him pen that Facebook statement have proved that the South African crack industry must be producing the finest product you’ll find anywhere in the world.

The alternative is to question their intelligence and that would be cruel.