Designer vaginas: That's what South Africans are made of

Ask anyone what it is that makes them a Zulu, Afrikaner, white, black or anything else and, chances are, they’ll be able to give you an answer. Ask them what defines us all as South Africans and they’ll probably not be as forthcoming.

What are the common denominators that define South Africans?

British journalists have been wracking their brains about what constitutes “Britishness” in light of Lord Goldsmith’s report, commissioned to determine just that.

Frederick Forsyth in the Daily Express defines it as: “Britishness, if you happen to be British or would like to be, is about love of country, pride in country and preparedness to defend country — what we used to call, before the Left made it a sneer word, patriotism”.

Robert Chesshyre in the First Post claims that swearing allegiance to the Queen is a load of bunkum, as is the Goldsmith report.

He then goes onto dismiss the report and the concept thereof without answering the question — what is “Britishness”?

Marina Hyde in the Guardian: “Lord Goldsmith’s plan to define Britishness is what philosophers call a category mistake — an attempt to ascribe characteristics to something that could not possibly exhibit such characteristics, or not in the way that has been stated. It is pointless attempting to proscribe something and asking people to salute your definition. Britishness is a quality that people tend to identify in specific experiences, and largely after the event.”

And finally, this leader from the Times of London: “Defining Britishness is rather un-British. Britishness cannot be the same as Americanness as we are not a nation founded anew, nor one whose history is defined by a single epic event such as a revolution, nor one rooted in an idea with the individual force of the pursuit of happiness. The qualities that the British prize — fair play, humour, tolerance — are not inviolable ideals, but matters of judgement. That the United Kingdom consists of four components makes it even harder to find a definition of what it is to be British that is based on abstract values rather than shared institutions. The British have been rightly suspicious of state-sponsored patriotism, finding political efforts to nurture a national culture distasteful and populist appeals to nationalism dangerous. The British find their identity in their history, their language, their society. It may be messy, but it is more meaningful that way.”

South African journalists, on the other hand, seem more consistent in their belief that the rainbow nation at present is anything but that, without defining that which makes us all South Africans:

Prince Mashele, a guest writer for News24, says: “What happened to Nelson Mandela’s ‘rainbow nation’? Or have we been living in a bubble created by our collective sense of disbelief that we were, indeed, able to step back from the brink to witness 1994?”

David Bullard in the Sunday Times says: “As football hooliganism is to England and clogs are to Holland, as bratwurst is to Germany and sheep are to Australia, so is racism to South Africa. Along with mineral wealth, it is what we are famous for.”

Here’s Jon Qwelane: “The majority of black people live in squatter camps; those are our uncles and aunts, cousins, brothers and sisters. We do not speak with an “Ag shame” attitude when we talk about the “squatters” and their depressed and depressing living conditions; we talk from bitter experience, not the intellectual theorising of some white people and their coconut friends.”

Tawana Kupe, from City Press says: “In recent weeks the issue of whether there has been fundamental social transformation in post-apartheid, or is it neo-apartheid, South Africa has come to the fore. It seems the social cohesion that the ANC wants to be promote is unravelling as crime fuels fears that lead to people either thinking of emigrating or actually packing for Perth. Add to that Eskom’s load-shedding, leaving society powerless and sometimes in darkness.”

While we don’t have a Lord Goldsmith (the genius who as acting Attorney General never quite worked out whether invading Iraq without a further UN resolution was illegal or legal), we certainly do have you lot! The regular guys and gals who go about their daily lives in the new South Africa and who are more than capable of telling us what it is that is common to us all and unites us as a nation. Indeed, defines us as a group separate from the rest of the planet and inhabiting a single country.

Could it be a common respect and love for Madiba? How about a shared hardship in terms of crime, electricity and petrol which affects everything else? If not then what about our shared joy at the Springboks and common disappointment with Bafana Bafana?

Lest we forget we are living in one of the most beautiful countries with a temperate climate (FFS don’t even think of commenting — I nearly drowned at a funeral yesterday)and an abundance of natural resources. How we use or abuse all this does not detract from the fact that they are there. We have a wonderful democracy, a world class Constitution and freedom of speech.

Surely, defining our South Africaness can’t boil down to a pendulum of racial hatred, swinging backwards and forwards, always being set in motion by the group on the wrong end of the latest outrageous behaviour.

If it is, then we are all a bunch of designer vaginas and deserving of whatever we get.

Dedicated to the late Jack Michael Berelowitz, 1929-2008: A man without prejudice in his heart.