Dear SuperSport executive

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I do hope you manage some sleep. Try to eat something and don’t allow yourself to be negatively affected by this recent tragedy that threatens your very integrity.

I am horrified that an attractive young woman in your employ took it upon herself to appear naked in an internationally respected soft-porn men’s magazine. My God, don’t blame yourself; they grow up so quickly these days. I blame education and these bloody human-rights activists for making women become so big for their thigh-boots.

I mean, it’s one thing to wear spray-on clothing at the events, and flirt with cameras and so forth, but that is taking one for the team, and that kind of overt sexuality is not gratuitous, but part of a careful and wholesome strategy to bring forth the best for those godly men on the field, the athletes, bless them.

I know it wasn’t something catastrophic like Loslyf, but Playboy magazine is a filthy collection of photographs and writing, often implicated in the molestation of children, the collapse of organised religion and acts of cannibalism. You certainly don’t need to be tarred with that brush.

For goodness sake, you want children to be able to play outside, and we couldn’t agree more. The founder of this Playboy cult must be some kind of pervert, to sleep with young pornography stars, what a depraved danger to society. I bet you he seldom wears chino pants or collared shirts, he probably has his apparel manufactured by underage children in oppressive regimes, and associates with corrupt figureheads, in charge of multibillion-dollar fraudulent corporations, bent on robbing honest nations, the bastard.

Still, there she was, semi-dressed in a magazine that has the power to damage your reputation as a morally unblemished organisation. You must have been furious, and quite right. After all, you sell sports to a sports-mad nation, so you are often overworked and underpaid for your work and at wits’ end. You have to find ways to convince South African men to sit through another sports fixture — how you do it is beyond me, and somehow you manage every month. It’s astounding, and all the while, you find time to shield us from the nipples of young women. I cannot help it, a tear is forming as I write.

And just because God made someone the gift of a body, that is no reason to allow them the right to display it. Jesus, whatever next? Homosexuals in the team? Jews in the front row? I knew it was trouble when they let blacks get involved …

I understand that as a sports channel, only you stand between me and the perils of anarchy and apocalypse. I am grateful that you are there when I forget myself and consider cross-dressing and worshipping Satan every now and then, generally Thursdays. Thank you, SuperSport, I don’t know how we would manage without you to bring us back to the straight and narrow, I really don’t. Straight and narrow — both such shining pillars in the Parthenon of purity.

We realise it was hard to bully this young woman behind closed doors, but I understand that you wanted to do it where we wouldn’t see. Who wants to put rugby fans through such an ordeal? Lesser men like me would no doubt be traumatised by the harsh words and swift action you had to dole out to stop this shameless celebration of the naked form in an age-restricted environment for consenting adults only.

I can’t imagine how hard it is for you and your colleagues when a human being that you pay a salary every month just goes off on their own time, and removes their clothes, willy-nilly — hell, we are in the end-times. I realise what she did was bad for your company. When your business involves the constant broadcast of the leading homo-erotic imagery of our digital era, even the suggestion of a vagina can be a large and menacing spanner in your works, and must be stopped at all costs. I do hope your lawyers are bigger than her and sharp and that they take care of you during this terrible episode.

Perhaps you should take a leaf out of your little sister, M-Net’s, book and use closeted homosexual men to brazenly lampoon gay men as they do on Idols from time to time? It is stunningly impressive to watch men who have no credibility as judges anyway, and who do not have the courage to live their lives openly, make fun of those who do, just because stupidity seems to be the mainstay of primetime ratings.

One only has to think of boxing, where you actually commercialise two men attempting to give each other permanent brain damage, to realise that your pursuits are noble, you certainly don’t need your staff making tits out of themselves while blood is being spilled in your honour. Yours is a serious business, and fluff has no place in it, obviously.

Now that you have begun your march, I look forward to your cancellation of the next Fifa World Cup screenings out of respect for decency and integrity; to your refusing to show any of the IPL matches for fear of fuelling any form of hedge betting, bribery, extortion, intimidation or any other organised crime; your shunning of Tiger Woods, Ryan Giggs and all the other role models who have publicly humiliated their partners; any events sponsored by sports brands that commit human-rights abuses every day, car-racing franchises that occur in countries that beat and murder their own people or any of the rugby that encourages and condones young men taking steroids in schools all over our country.

Best of luck, Mr SuperSport, we hope you win your good fight against the evil you see when the lights are off (often) in your mind. May God have mercy on your straight, narrow and clearly vulnerable little soul.

Just Do It.

John Vlismas