CSI Limpopo

The African National Congress’s elective conference to be held in Mangaung in December is throwing up a whole host of interesting collateral “debates”, as the appeal against ANCYL president Julius Malema’s sentence handed down by the ANC disciplinary committee and the administration of Limpopo’s finances clearly demonstrate.

As you may recall, just prior to the ANC’s last gathering in 2007, the Scorpions and the cops were at each other’s throats and only budget constraints deterred them from importing nukes from Pakistan to blow each other into oblivion.

This time it’s central government versus certain provinces and the ANC Youth League but, not to worry, after the last outing this should be Polokwane-lite.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you – like ANC members – shouldn’t be looking for opportunities.

Must do, it’s the South African dream.

That is why I have decided to create a new television series, CSI Limpopo, based on the US versions CSI Las Vegas, Miami and New York except that instead of forensic scientists, the local version will be about forensic auditors on account of South Africans being crap at science.

Each episode will feature Minister of Finance Pravin Gordhan’s finest swoop on a branch of local government in Limpopo with the opening tune “Love me tender” blaring in the background.

Of course, what makes the US version of CSI so great is the wonderful toys employed by their technicians in solving crime. DNA labs, mass spectrometer machines, genetic analysers, ViewSonic flat computer monitors, flat plasma TV screens and many others that make capturing crooks as easy as riding a bicycle.

Accordingly, in order to compete, every episode of CSI Limpopo will also have spectacular toys that can detect and pinpoint corrupt individuals and then…er…send them to political school to ensure that they understand how to choose factions more carefully in future.

Just for starters, take these examples which will appear in the first few episodes:

“DNA Lab” – The ‘Don’t Nominate Arseholes’ facility is there to ensure that senior and otherwise loyal cadres have not blotted their records by trying to promote an alternative candidate to a sitting president. As many of you will know, SA labs are around 5 years behind on blood samples for traffic offenders but the DNA lab in Limpopo will be able to spot a suspect in the time it takes to say “the ANC Youth League is an independent structure”.

“CuC Spotter” – This is to deal with comrades who don’t believe that sharing is caring. The ‘Calibrated Unsharing Comrade Spotter’ is able to track down those cadres who are picking up the best tenders but aren’t sharing with others. Hence the term being in CuC. Special attention is paid to BEE requirements i.e. BEE nice to party loyalists.

“Glock Blood Sampler” – Those who fail their DNA test and land in CuC are required to have a blood sample taken. Technicians use a Glock .45 GAP to extract a blood sample of roughly 8 pints.

“Provincial Trial Balance” – This is extracted by charging those who fail their DNA tests and replacing them with cadres who are loyal to a sitting president.

“Provincial Balance Sheet” – This is achieved by first extracting the trial balance and then counting the numbers of those voting for the right faction. If the numbers are weighted in favour of the sitting president the province qualifies for a federal bailout.

“Federal Bailout” – If a province has conducted extensive DNA tests, extracted a trial balance and drawn up a balance sheet it will receive whatever funds it requires provided that everyone understands that they had better not make CuC.

“Reaudit” – This is where, despite doing DNA tests, trial balances and balance sheets, the province continues to misplace its loyalty and constantly lands in CuC. Senior auditors normally attribute this to a potential epidemic and order widespread Glock Blood Sampling.

The show should be a massive hit.