British anti-terror chief quits in disgrace while NIA plans to visit Grace

In order to give you some indication of how seriously most countries take matters of national security look no further than the British head of anti-terror, Assistant Commissioner Bob Quick who quit in disgrace after arriving for a Downing Street meeting yesterday with top-secret files on a bomb plot under his arm. As he wandered past photographers a briefing note detailing the nine-month operation was clearly visible. It described suspects, locations and actions to be taken. Today he had no choice but to resign from his post.

When you’re finished reading the article in the UK Daily Mail pause for a second and give some thought to what would have happened to our head of NIA if documents went missing or kept cropping up in sessions of the JSC or NPA representations?

Done it?

Scared?

Don’t be, South Africa has one of the most sophisticated systems in the world in place to safeguard not only the phones and documentation of our government but failsafe procedures to track down any of those that may have gone missing. (Not that it could ever happen – relax).

Firstly all of our “Top Secret presidential and cabinet eyes only” documents are stored at the never to be disclosed location of Bob’s Sunbeds and Cod-liver oil importers 19 Visagie Street, Tshwane (Pretoria for counter-revolutionaries), Gauteng, South Africa. Call 012 343 2342 and ask for Ken. Remember the state is not made of money so if you want copies made bring revenue stamps with you. If the photostat isn’t working (invariably) use the copier around the corner in Church Street. Here it is cash only, no credit cards or revenue stamps accepted.

Secondly the chance of anyone actually being able to tap the phones of anyone possessed of information regarding issues of national security is nigh on impossible. Well we all thought it was nigh on impossible until half the country got naaied impossibly resulting in urgent steps being taken to correct this problem immediately. The details of the highly classified remedial steps which are being taken are unfortunately unavailable to the press at this time but you can try Dave on 072 123 9011 or the Telkom helpline and they’ll update you on any progress.

Thirdly any of our super-duper NIA operatives who are found breaching protocols are acutely aware of the fate that awaits anyone who lets the team down — rushed off to a supermarket to purchase casual clothing and a set of photographic equipment. Then boarded on a plane to Harare where they are forced to stand with their camera, next to a co-agent wearing a button on his lapel marked “Times of London”, outside a shopping mall frequented by Grace Mugabe with instructions to start taking snaps as soon as she emerges. Apparently we’ve lost more agents that way … but I digress.

Fourthly in the event of Ken going on leave then all the “Top Secret presidential and cabinet eyes only” documents are relocated to a safe house. Unfortunately we are not at liberty to disclose the address until the Shaik offer on the house has been accepted. We’ll get back to you on this one as soon as the estate agent gets back to us.

Fifthly only a select few intensely screened parties are ever allowed access to the information. These include but are not limited to JZ, any relative of his, people who know them and are prepared to sign a statement to that effect, people whose surnames begin with the letter “H”, their families, friends, and people prepared to sign the statement set out above, anyone who has provided household services at the JZ home eg plumber, carpenter, newspaper delivery, electrician etc etc, their relatives, friends and people who will sign the statement.

Accordingly any fears that you might have had that the safety and integrity of the government and country might be compromised are wholly unfounded. Well wholly unfounded until some blabbermouth at a JSC hearing or NPA representation spills the beans and ruins it for everyone. I mean it’s not as if the NIA aren’t trying.

Everyone involved with national security will confirm that when it comes to secrecy the NIA are very trying.