Flies just want to have fun

One of the worst things about summer is the endless supply of flies and mosquitoes eager to become part of your day, to add you as a friend on Facebook. The intensity of these insects, however, pale in comparison to what summertime Scotland has to offer.

First up, they have something called clegs. These things are what can best be described as very large flies, chiefly distinguishable from the aforementioned by their desire to feed on humans.

“It flies in complete silence, and alights so gently on its victim, whether horse, cow or human, to make a painless incision in the flesh before slipping its mouth parts into the wound,” says a very useful little book called Midges in Scotland by George Hendry.

Charming, isn’t it? But wait. Here’s more.

“The stoutly built, sombre, dusky-grey female, with large bulging eyes, usually working singly, will even bite through clothing or hair. Left undisturbed, with its head down and tail cocked up, it will feed for one or two minutes.”

Two minutes is enough time for a good helping. But sometimes that might not be enough and seconds could be on the cards.

“It has the audacity to make a second bite if the first wound proves unsatisfactory. The pain comes the moment feeding is over, and the cleg has left the scene.”

The bites from these things, which leave a red ring of unimaginable itchiness, last for several days and when you start scratching, you’ve made your first — and last — mistake.

But the more prolific and actually almost mythic biters of summertime Scotland are the midges. Though they are little more than small airborne insects with a seemingly inoffensive name to match (a name very close to the Afrikaans word “muggie“), don’t let that make you underestimate them. The word “midge” doesn’t even begin to convey the sinister aspects of this species.

Listen to this: “Like other blood-sucking insects, the female biting midge has a well-developed, specialised mouth enabling her both to pierce the skin of the victim as well as to suck up the released blood.”

Rather resourceful little creatures. Be afraid.

“Piercing the skin is done by a pair of finely toothed, elongated mandibles and maxillae, which work backwards and forwards with a scissor-like action, cutting ever deeper through the skin surface.”

But they’ve only just begun.

“When the cut or wound is deep enough a pool of blood is released from the fine capillary vessels underlying the skin. At this point the midge quickly rolls its mouth-parts into a fine tube or food-canal, which is inserted into the wound to draw up the now free-flowing blood.”

That’s some pretty deep work. To top it off, they then pump some saliva into the wound to prevent the blood from clotting and the supply from drying up.

Like the clegs, you don’t see or hear your attacker coming until it’s too late.

And when a midge comes, it doesn’t come alone!

You see, unlike the clegs, midges feed together, in the manner described above. So what we’re talking of here is entire swarms, with a singular intent and focus.

And just in case you thought it was a quick sip of the straw: “If left undisturbed, the midge will feed for up to three to four minutes before disengaging.”

As with the clegs, it’s distressing to have to reveal that it’s the females who are the main — actually, make that only — culprits. While the males are out lazing around on flowers and things, generally behaving in a vegan kind of way, the females are out hunting.

You see, they need our blood in order to lay their eggs in two weeks’ time — or face extinction. So this time it’s personal.

“To develop further egg batches a blood meal is absolutely essential for this species. For good reason they are obsessive in their pursuit of blood.”

This desperate and collective urge for survival brings a tenacity and persistence, which the clegs, despite their ferocity, simply can’t match.

Once the midges have found you, they tell their friends. Word gets out quickly in their ranks. Soon the influx takes on exponential proportions.

Good news travels fast, they say, and you’d be well advised to travel fast too or else face the wrath of a gathering swarm whose sole intent is to feed on you.

With survival and successful egg hatching at stake, the breed doesn’t listen to your bad jokes or cries for mercy. They get in everywhere, travelling underneath your clothes to parts of your body that you didn’t even know existed. Up your pants, inside your ears, down your neck and to the small of your back, armpits, the ankles — oh, they just love that part — and up your trousers and other, more delicate areas, areas that you’d only tell a nurse about. It’s also for bald people another of those times they wish they weren’t.

Once you’ve fled, you have to come to terms with the aftermath of the bites in a sensible and restrained manner. As with the clegs, it’s a question of: make the mistake and start scratching — and stay scratching.

You’ll be covered in tiny red dots that take on rash-like proportions and cover entire limbs. This may subside over the next few days, but when you scratch, you provoke the area into new life. New attacks might layer on top of that.

And while you’re still busy scratching, the bitches are already hatching.