This has been a long time in the making and I apologise to my detractors and supporters alike for it taking this long to pen the follow-up to “I blame your mother for your laziness” which came in for much debate, as anticipated, and I hope that it opened people’s minds to how most men […]
The Sumo
The Sumo is a strapping young man in his late 20s who considers himself the ultimate transitional South African. Born and raised in a KwaZulu-Natal township near Durban, he was part of the first group of black initiates into the "multiracial" education system. He was (and is) always in contrast to the norm, black in "white" schools, a blazer-wearing coconut in the township streets, and now fat in a sea of conventional thinness in the corporate world. This, and a lifetime of junk-food consumption and beer guzzling, has culminated in the man you will come to know as the Sumo. See life through this man's eyes; see life through lard.
Posted inGeneral
The God-Fearing People’s Party
I was watching the news yesterday for some reason, I must have been either really bored, comatose or my housemate was forcing “current affairs” (aka what the media is punting for their mates that day) on me and I saw a report on some of the commentary that was presented on the State of the […]
Posted inLifestyle
I blame your mother
Why do women in Johannesburg have to be so lazy?! To say that I am a traditionalist would be a wild inaccuracy. Yes, I am a proud Zulu man. Yes, I do actually count Zulu royalty among my ancestors. Yes, I believe there should be a clear head of the household and it should wear […]
Posted inGeneral
The Valentine’s Day Heist
Yup, Valentine’s Day is coming up again this month, that rip-off of monumental proportions only eclipsed by that fat-guy-in-a-red-bodysuit scam that comes conveniently around bonus time. Am I the only person who worries that being a Santa Clause in a mall would be the sweetest gig for a paedophile? Excuse the pun, but it must […]
Posted inLifestyle
My advanced girth — a serious safety threat
It was a normally lonely Wednesday evening for me as I sat on the couch rapturously gulping down a dozen Castle Lagers in order to be drunk enough to pass out and fall asleep some time before midnight. I have a problem sleeping, you see, and since I think sleeping tablets are the preserve of […]
Posted inLifestyle
I am quite positively in love with Agnes
Agnes is the lady who comes around every Tuesday to do our housework and make sure the house I share with a housemate, D-dog, doesn’t deteriorate to hygiene levels below that of an Eastern Cape farm’s pigsty. I think I have fallen for her and it took her being away for three months or so […]
Posted inGeneral
7de Laan and other matters of grave concern to Afrikaner supremacists
I don’t read much, I am black after all, but I found myself perusing the sacred pages of the weekly Sunday Times yesterday evening. You see, my housemate buys the paper, I think out of habit more than anything else because he constantly complains about the content now carried on the pages. And since there […]
Posted inLifestyle
Hands off my beloved brown bottle
I reiterate — I love beer. The golden nectar is truly a gift from the Almighty. There is a quote attributed to Benjamin Franklin that goes “beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” and I believe that this may not be far from the truth. My happiest moments have […]
Posted inGeneral
My brothers, they will never let you win
I love beer … a lot. Most of my life revolves around the stuff. I have formed and broken friendships and relationships based on whether they would have a positive or negative impact on my beer consumption and its frequency. I work hard at my job, I don’t allow much to phase me, even blatant […]
Posted inLifestyle
Why is it not prostitution?
Disclaimer: This piece has nothing to do with any engagement I may have had or will have in the near future with any female imagined or otherwise. This is merely for me to pose a question that has bugged me forever. We all know what prostitution is; let us first accept that it is the […]
Posted inSport
Rugby fans ARE more racist than football fans
This argument is based on race, it cannot be escaped. I refer you to the feast of international sporting content involving SA this past month — it has been awesome! As long as I have had a rich supply of the golden nectar of the gods, slivers of dried and salted animal carcass and toilet […]
Posted inGeneral
No, actually, you do want me to lie to you
The truth is the most overrated thing in the world when it comes to relationships. This fact permeates all the stages of a relationship, from the courtship and honeymoon period, to the stage of “showing one’s behind” and even to the unfortunate, though mostly inevitable end to these necessarily doomed engagements. Throughout all these stages, […]