ANCYL, DA much funnier than Tories and Labour

The thing I love most about British and South African politics is that no matter how serious an issue is, the politicians somehow manage to make such a matzoth pudding out of it that it becomes more rewarding to watch this lot unfolding on television or in the newspapers, than it is to visit any theatre or movie house.

Politicians really are hysterical — in every sense of the word — and should the media sense, on any given story, that they might have hit a nerve, they immediately spotlight the issue which occasions a stampeding of the political herd giving rise to what I consider the finest comedy of them all.

Take, for example, the latest British “crisis” involving members of parliament who have been over-claiming expenses on second homes and you will probably appreciate why their public is so outraged. Here they are struggling to find a job and make ends meet, amidst a monstrous economic meltdown, only to be advised by the media that their MPs have been making absolute pigs of themselves at the trough known as the taxpayer’s expense.

Claims include, inter alia, dredging a moat (I shit you not), renting pornography, sanitary napkins, repairing pipes under tennis courts and on and on — the list is endless.

Of course it is necessary to understand that many of these expenses are totally legitimate because MPs who don’t live near parliament are entitled to claim for a second home. However, while many of them might be within the strict interpretation of what is considered to be legal, they are morally totally indefensible.

Now of course there is no doubting that we all enjoy reading these lists and hearing that some Tory toff has been bust claiming for chandeliers while some other genius has been putting in for repayments on a mortgage that had been paid off long ago (which is criminal) but that is not what I find so funny.

What is really hysterical is watching Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Tory leader David Cameron and Liberal Democrat Nick Clegg being interviewed on Sky News and expressing total outrage at learning of these shocking abuses. They are totally livid that members of their parties could have had the gall to actually commit these egregious acts. They inform the presenters on Sky or the BBC that they will immediately be taking stock, finding out who these culprits are and then heaven help those who are caught with their fingers in the trough.

Why is that so hysterically funny?

Because, quite frankly, it’s a crock of crap. While the leaders of these parties might not know the specifics of who is claiming what, they are fully aware of the fact that everyone is milking the system and has been doing so for a very long time. Their indignation and shock at this conduct is accordingly there for the benefit of the public.

On Wednesday I was in tears watching the Sky News team and their analysts try to keep a straight face as they watched the party heads stomping up and down and promising doom and gloom for offenders as soon as they got hold of them. The pundits diplomatically trying to ensure that viewers understood that what was really irritating these politicians was the fact that their geniuses had been bust going overboard and they’d now be left trying to clean up the mess.

This little crisis incidentally has seen both Labour and the Conservatives shedding four points in the latest opinion polls. In political terms that constitutes a minor meltdown requiring party leaders to promise swift and severe action against members of their party in respect of issues which in reality they knew about all along.

It really is comedy out of the top drawer.

Yet all of this pales into insignificance when regard is had to the latest spat between the African National Congress Youth League and the premier of the Western Cape, Helen Zille.

It all began when Cosatu made comments about the fact that Zille had appointed only male MECs for the Western Cape. Zille, no shrinking violet at the best of times, then returned fire, primarily at President Zuma calling him a womaniser who put his wives at risk of HIV/Aids. It was, in my humble opinion, a disproportionate response and certainly out of keeping with the mood of the country right now. People want to see the president uniting the country and building on the mood carried forward from the inauguration.

Anyhow, everyone’s favourite speech-writing team, the ANCYL, then got together and after analysing the political mood of the country and factoring in the Duckworth Lewis came up with this gem as their response to the premier:

“Zille has appointed an all male cabinet of useless people, majority of whom are her boyfriends and concubines so that she can continue to sleep around with them, yet she claims to have the moral authority to question our President. If the fake racist girl Zille continues to speak hogwash like she has been doing during elections, we will take militant action against her, and demonstrate to her that she does not have monopoly over the Western Cape. The fake racist girl who was dropped on a head as child should understand that South Africa will never be a Mickey-mouse Republic like she wants to portray it.”

Dear oh dear oh dear

If you haven’t got tears in your eyes reading that lot then you never will have. I was laughing so much I was snorting coffee out of my nose and I wasn’t drinking coffee.

Of course what we’re all hoping for is that the genius, who came up with that lot, will in future tell us what he really thinks. I mean its pointless holding back like that.

I could never live elsewhere — I’d miss South Africans and our mad way of life far too much!